The Gnome In My Head

Day 1 on Yaz

2008-07-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Backgound: I've been psuedo-diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I have all the indicators including a family history, but I don't get "labeled" until my labwork comes back.

Yesterday I started on Yaz, which I took right after my bloodwork...I know she told me to wait until Sunday but I've just been feeling so yucky and was still bleeding so heavily that I couldn't stand it anymore. Took the pill around 8:30...bleeding had stopped by 1:00 and hasn't come back. After 4 months of steady bleeding...this alone is INCREDIBLE!

Woke up this morning with enough energy to fuel the ever ready bunny for a week. Was out of bed by 5:30 (took pill number 2 at 6:00 am) bright eyed and busy tailed instead of dragging myself into consciousness around 7:00. I've had half a cup of coffee today, as compared to 2 cups average, and still the energy level is high. Also I'm much sharper brain wise. Even my boss commented on it.

Now is this due to the Yaz? I don't know. It could be simply relief from being told that yes my symptoms are reasonable and I'm not losing my mind. The other really cool thing is that I'm not as anxious...again not sure what that can be attributed to.

I've decided to not change anything at all in my life style for the next couple of weeks that way I have a "control" period to go by. We were going to change our diet significantly, but I don't think I'll do that. Maybe I'll add some more salad to the menu, but I'm not going to do the radical "Omega Diet" change DH and I had talked about. Because honestly, I don't eat that badly anyways.

I'm stitching more and will post pictures about that soon. Right now it doesn't look like much...just a multicolored pink blob, but it's an easy stitch and I'm enjoying it. I don't really want to call it cross stitch, although that's the basis, but there's alot of single stitching done with 4-6 strands that I'm stitching in tent stitch to keep the tension nice.

Haven't had much time to work on my XNA stuff recently, but I hope to fix that over the weekend.

Life Stats:
74 days until close date on the condo.
Current Weight = standard weight - 3lbs

It's Once Again all Suz's Fault :)

2007-07-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Scattergories - harder than it looks!
If you want to tag yourself, go for it.
Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.
Your Name: - Wendy
1. Famous singer/band: The Who
2. 4 letter word: Well @#$%
3. Street name: West Street
4. Color: White
5. Gifts/Presents: wrapped goodies
6. Vehicle: Wave Runner
7. Things in a souvenir shop: Water glasses
8. Boy name: William
9. Girl name: Winnifred
10. Movie title: White Christmas
11. Drink: Wassail
12. Occupation: Web Designer
13. Flower: Wisteria
14. Celebrity: Wil Wheaten
15. Magazine: Wired
16. U.S. city: Williamsburg
17. Pro sports teams: Wizards
18. Fruit/vegetable: Walnut
19. Reason late for work: Went to the ER
20. Something you throw away: Wet napkins
21. Things you shout: Woot!
22. Cartoon character: Wataru

Now isn't this interesting...

2006-12-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

A discordant note in the merry melody of my new life...

2006-06-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, how things have changed since that last post.

I did graduate Summa Cum Laude. The Friday before graduation I got a call from a job I had interviewed for in Nashville. Honestly, I did not think for one moment I had a chance. Shows you what I know. I've been working for the company for about a month now. I'm their software catchall. I had no idea all the things I had not learned in college, but I'm learning them now on the fly which is fun, if a bit nerve-wracking. My boss is awesome. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. as is my team. I can't believe how cool this place is. While I'm not curing cancer I am working for a company that provides a very important service to the world, so I can feel good about that.

We've moved to Nashville and have a great apartment that we're still trying to fill up with stuff. All we lack is two computer desks and maybe a new tv. That will all come in time. Currently I'm totally enjoying wireless access and a cable modem.

On a sad note, one of our fur-kids didn't make it through the move. She bolted about 8 hours before we were going to move the last three and punched through a screen. We've searched and searched for her, and nothing. DH is deeply bothered by her loss, and I don't blame him. I've not been as patient with him as I would like to be and I'm working on it. I miss her deeply, but I deseperately want to get settled and enjoy my new location and sometimes his talking about how it isn't complete without her slams me down out of my good mood and that irks me which upsets me because I feel like I've failed him by being irked at him. Bizarre creature I am sometimes, I'm afraid.

Well, there's a program that needs some serious work, and while my boss and team may be patient with me, I am not as patient with myself and would very much like to get this bloody thing working by the end of the day.

Life is good, but there's something missing in the melody of my existence. To the fur girls we've all left behind either alive and lost or over the rainbow bridge in the last weeks, I dedicate this entry to Fozzel, Isis and Salsa. We'll miss you, ladies, life won't be the same without you, and neither will we.

I get by with a little help from my friends

2006-05-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

As of about 20 minutes ago…

I have completed all the work for my BS in IT.

If I may brag a bit…

On May 6, 2006 I will be graduating Summa Cum Laude
The score on my exit exam was in the top 5 of the entire senior class of my large University
I am a member of The Golden Key Honour Society as well as The National Society of Collegate Scholars.
I am the first to graduate from my university with all my classes taken online in this program.

My final GPA will be a 3.912 with a 3.95 in my degree program

I have proven all of the nay sayers wrong.  I succeeded where so many have said I could never possibly succeed.  I have done it with the love and support of a husband, my best friend and dearest supporter, who deserves every ounce of my gratitude and then scads more.

Despite the road blocks thrown up by someone who should have been supporting me I did it and damn you to hell for trying to guilt me into thinking I was somehow lacking because I didn’t do it your way, instead I did it MY way and look where it got me.

And to all my friends who have listened to me whine and complain, and rant, and cry over the past five years…thank you!  I would also like to thank the academy…oh wait wrong speech :D

I DID IT…with a little help from my friends!

Nashvegas

2006-03-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Met with The Company yesterday and they were very nice. Far smaller than I thought, but very nice and in a great area. I fell in love with Nashville. I think DH did as well because we both are suffering from “smalltown-it is” and are cranky. Being in Nashvegas with him was great and I want to go back so badly. I can do the work, and they need me now to convince them of that since Boss/Father is being pissy about things, not that I blame him since his life is in the toilet, but I’m not the one who flushed it. I sense jealousy from him that there’s a future out there for me, but I can’t live my life for him anymore.

Best part about this whole move thing is that I can’t wait to have a place for just my family where we can discover and learn about a new city. Nashville is beautiful, and warm, even the traffic isn’t that bad, you just have to be patient with it. A couple of my other friends are looking for new jobs as well, so send all your “Good Job” vibes our way, and for the one about to pop too!

So much change, I should be terrified, but you know what, I don’t think I am.

More job stuff...

2006-03-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well now…

I have two interviews tomorrow in Nashvegas and the other job that dropped me is asking me to come up and train with them and do some remote work for them at a very nice price. I’m a bit stunned. More than anything, right now I just want to curl up and make the world go away for just a tiny little bit. I know change is good and all that, and I’ll embrace it, but does it really have to move this quickly? ( The weekend was good up until dad decided that chasing me down was a good idea and that really bugs me when he does that which probably is adding to my stress level.

Obladi oblada

2006-03-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

You know, one good thing that came about during all of this mess is that I have come to understand an aspect of my husband I’ve never experienced before in any relationship.  He really is behind me 100%.  I have never heard nor seen him as angry as he was with this company.  I honestly believe that if he could have throttled someone he would have, meanwhile he was caring and gentle with me.  I have to admit the two sides of the coin are incredibly attractive.

Friday we spent time with DS and his birthday which was strained to the max for him.  On Saturday we got up and realized we were all edgy and really didn’t want to be at home so we piled into the car.  Great therapy.  Unclaimed freight was a huge let down so we headed to Chattanooga.  Car runs great, it should since repairing it put a huge bite into the moving fund.  Went to Barnes and Nobel and found two really neat inexpensive books, one in C# and one in PhotoShop for myself and the hubby.  Oh…we went out to breakfast too so that DS could have his favorite pancakes since dinner the night before was so uncomfortable.  We went to the used book store and there staring me in the face was the O’Reilly C# Cookbook for $10 which is a great buy so I’m all stocked up on programming texts, and I admit to buying a romance novel as well.  DS got to spend his birthday money on books and then the left over on a two stage rocket thingamabobber he played with all day on Sunday.  Sunday was more edginess but I did get some homework done.

The Business manager from the company is hounding me for writing, code, and webdesign samples.  DH is encouraging me to send them and I think he’s right.  I could use the feedback and the possibility for part time contract work is hard to pass up.  I doubt I’d ever trust this company to hire me full time but additional work is always a good thing.

What will be will be.  Nothing else I can do, really.  I just hope that these requests for information are legit and not this guy basically trying to let me down easy, which never works on me anyways.

Too good to be true

2006-03-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

Oh well, guess I won’t be going to Nashville shrug. They called to say that they didn’t need me right now, maybe later. Year right…like I’m going to trust them again. I can say all the things one says right now like, These things happen, I don’t need them any way, God doesn’t shut a door without opening a window…blah, blah, blah, but right now it just doesn’t seem to matter. I’m disappointed. Mostly because, well I was looking forward to the time away with DH in a new place and a schance to really get a feeling for how thing worked in the busines. There isn’t much more to say, I guess. I’m sad, and hurt and ashamed even thought I know I had nothing to do with this. But I guess this means I have more time to write code, and now I can sleep in tonight. After celebrating my newly minted 12 year old’s birthday of course. I sent the guy an e-mail apologizing for my attitude, assuring him I held no ill will against him and wished him all the best. What else is there to do, really?

Bonzai!!!!

2006-03-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

I’m going for it. I report at 9:30 Monday morning! I am soooooooo excited. I was panic stricken for the past 36 hours, but you know what, I can’t wait! Come back here often, I’ll keep you up to date on this new adventure!

Meep...

2006-03-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

Seems they liked my 3. They just offered me $18 an hour for 6 weeks, but I’d have to commute 90 miles one way, so basically 200 miles a day to work. In a car that is less than reliable.

Now what do I do?

A 3?

2006-03-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

The job search continues. Had a good lead, got stumped on a “rank yourself from 0-10” question. No excuses, I simply had no idea how to answer the question. The more I thought about this during my walk this morning the more I realized that there was no right answer. Had I said “I can’t possibly do so with the information given” I would have been too timid. Had I said “I’m a 3” I would have lacked ambition. I said “5 or 6” which I comprehended as slightly above average and he blasted me telling me I’d be lucky to be a 3. At first I was really peeved about this, but you know what. This 3 would have been one of the better 3s he would have seen come through his office. I don’t want to work for a company that treats people that way.

I was really depressed about it last night, covers over my head depressed. I’ve got over it. Updated my Monster Resume, added something to the over all one and I’m going to work on my portfolio tonight. I may be down, but I’m sure not out.

It is soooo..

2006-03-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

Not all about you.

After sitting here for a good hour listening to someone go on and on and on about something going on in their life and realizing they honestly think it's all about them, I came to a conclusion. It isn't all about anyone. That's a hard thing to understand when you really think about it. Not even the stuff going on in my life is all about me. I'm just a part of the whole big thing. Sure there are moments when I get to say look at me, but really, even my life isn't all about me. We have to work together, live together, love together and lose together.

Be nice to people, you don't get to be a snot and then figure everything is going to be ok. If you are nice then guess what, you don't get to complain when bad things happen to you. Honestly, call it what you want, but what you put out there into the world is in all likelyhood what you're going to get back. Is it so hard to let someone into traffic ahead of you? To acknowledge when you made a poor choice, take the consequences, learn and move on instead of raging at how unfair life is? Geez, get over yourself.

Just be nice. Anything else is asking for trouble and if you ask for it, don't come whining to me about how you just got your butt kicked by life.

Oh...and all the poop that is happening...is YOUR fault, not mine, so don't expect me to stick around to watch you go down. Doesn't matter how old you are, how "Christian" you have acted, and how much information you know about people, or how much you rant and rave. In the end you are still, like all of us, an ugly bag of mostly water.

Life is going to be good for us three and what is going on right now is just buying me time and money so that when the time does come I can just leave and know that I don't ever have to come back.

I'll be a good worker bee..

2006-03-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

---the bestest, I promise.

After apologies and what not...not to mention a good hard look at my budget, I'm back at work. Every tiny pay check is that much less that has to come out of the moving fund. To say work is bad is an understatement. It's a sinking ship, and everytime I plug a whole my boss blows a bigger one. I can't save him from himself and he blames everything on me.

I'm applying for jobs in the Chattanooga/Nashville area and I've gotten a number of nudges, even a nibble, but that's it. I've got a 3.9, I'm an adult, I work my tail off and I can't find a job in the 100+ resumes I've handed out. So at the risk of sounding horribly desperate...

Would someone please hire me, please. I'm a hard worker, I'm smart, a quick study, and I'll be loyal to a fault. I feel like the older dog at the end of the hall at the pound watching all the puppies go before me.

On an up note, there's a future out there somewhere and a nummy dinner waiting for me at home. DH loves me, gods only know why, and we'll manage this. Now I just need to survive the next...75 minutes.

I'll miss you, Daddy

2006-02-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

The man who inhabits the body of the man I have loved as my father for so many years, is not the dad who used to tie my shoes, taught me to ride a bike, and who would sit and talk to me for hours. I won't go into details, but for reasons all my own, today I severed all ties with him. I cry when the phone rings and see is number then listen to the angry message. I ache when I hear him say how the consequences will be dire if I don't do what he wants me to do. I am a mother. I will mother a hurt rock if I think it would do any good. It is who I am. What I am not is a martyr. He doesn't want me around any more and I don't want to be around him. No one can fault me for trying to be a good daughter and love him, care for him, and in general just be a good person in his life. He doesn't want that, he doesn't want to be thought of or taken care of. He doesn't want me around. He wants his own life.

So, dad, God Bless you, Goddess Bless You, and I wish you the brightest, bestest future you can have. I wish you contentment, and I wish you peace.

I love you, daddy. Good Bye

New Digs

2006-02-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

What do you think of the new look? :)

I had a blast doing it. I thought we could use some color around here.

Well now...

2006-02-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Hmm…something is different.  I don’t have a headache.  My stomach isn’t in knots.  Is that a smile.  Woah, what’s that warm fuzzy feeling?

Good googly moogly…by jinkies…I think the gnomeinmyhead and I are happy.  Really contented and happy.  Hopeful for the future.  What a neat feeling!  It’s been so very long.

My parents are divorced and I’m FREE!!! YAY!!! They’ve screwed their lives up so badly that there’s no hope so I’m done coddling them.

DH and I have been talking about what we want our family life to be like and I’m excited.  Not a single bit scared.  Excited out of my mind, truthfully!  Think about it, what’s better than discovering a brand new place with your best bestest friend?  If you answered, not a darn thing, you’d be very right.  And you know what…I get to live the rest of my life with my bestest best friend!  And he’s cute too!  Good gravy, who would have thunk it?!

TEE HEE!

*wonders off to giggle and program because I’m that awake!*

As usual…it’s all Suz’s Fault

2006-01-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

Four jobs I have had in my life:

Amusement Park Game Runner

Pizza Delivery

Customer Representative for major insurance company

Office manager

Four movies I would watch over and over again:

Underworld

A Walk in the Clouds

Queen of the Damned

Seven Years in Tibet

Four places I have lived:

Bloomsburg, PA

Chattanooga, TN

Monteagle, TN

Four TV shows I love to watch:

Battlestar Galactica

Stargate SG

Good Eats

Anything on The Learning Channel

Four places I have been on vacation:

Savanna GA

Providence, RI

Edmonton Alberta Canada

San Fransciso, CA

Four websites I visit daily:

www.myyahoo.com

www.webct.com (school)

The Wagon

http://mtsu.erecruiting.com/er/security/login.jsp (someone please hire me! :D)

Four of my favourite foods:

Chocolate

Pizza

Warm fresh bread with garlic and olive oil

Mangos

Four places I'd rather be right now

At home

At a new job in an new place

Greece

Ireland

For every thing there is a season...

2006-01-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about endings and beginnings alot recently. I know that I won't see another mountain winter, or see my father drive into the drive way after work, or spend the afternoon sitting by the pool to go upstairs and grab a cool shower and take a nap, or play cards with mom and dad and jon, watch the lighting crack across the mountain across the way, ever again. My life is full of these moments right now. As the last days of this break before school starts play out, it's hit me how different my life is going to be this time next year, no matter what happens. I'm not depressed about it or anything, but maybe I am a bit wistful, probably because the beginnings seem further away than the endings right now. Change does not come easily to me, but I am learning.

That being said...I just ordered my last batch of books for this degree and while my credit card is probably ecstatic to never have to do that again, I'm happy/sad.

New meaning to the levels of hell

2006-01-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

Scientologists
Circle I Limbo

DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Republicans
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Rednecks
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Saddam Hussein
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Suz made me do it...

2005-10-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Suz made me do it.

What Reject Sith Are You?

Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by

AKOD--Adult Children of Divorce--My Story

2005-10-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is all brand new since it happened only about a month ago, but I'll try.

The significant people:
Myself, I'm a 32 year old full time employee, student, mom and wife. My mom is 57 and my dad is 59. I have a 23 year old brother who's in college about 50 miles away. My husband and my son who's 11.

Locations:
Home: rural Tennessee on the property of my once family home where my mother now lives
Work: same tiny town, where I run a mental health office for my father.

Yep I live with my mother and work for my father.

School: Online through my "local" university where I' will graduate in May with my IT degree.

On September 6, 2005 we had an audit at work, which always tend to be stressful (we passed with a 98). That night my father called my mother and said that he was going to stay over night at the office. Not an unusual thing, but certainly not the norm. Mom freaked, apparently for good reason, because dad never set foot in the house again. The next day dad filed for divorce. Yep the marriage counselor didn’t want counseling. And that Friday he sent a letter home through me, unknown to me, because he stuffed it into a newspaper, telling my mother he had filed. She went BALISTIC. The entire night was spent on the phone with her various female relatives as well as in the house with her, curled in a ball in tears. The woman never cried over anything of substance, the last time I’d seen her that upset was when she lost her $40,000 diamond pin, which I found and boy was I in good standing with her for weeks. God bless my DH (Dear husband) for coming down and dealing with it with me and fielding the calls from the female family members.

My parent’s marriage was always rocky. I never saw them kiss or snuggle or any of those things. My father always lavished attention on us kids, mom was more distant. In February they would have been married for 35 years.

Dad has since moved in with a 29 year old and is pursuing a relationship in an apartment he fashioned in the back of the building (about 10 feet from my office door) out of two offices. As if that isn’t bad enough this 29 year old is a guy.

That’s right my evangelical, bible beating, judgmental (don’t come home if you get pregnant, I can’t believe you didn’t work harder on your first marriage, now your child is a bastard, you can’t stay at the house if you don’t go to church) hypocritical father has come raging out of the closet. And he’s so damn happy too. This guy is younger than I am.

Dad isn’t fighting fair, mom is spreading rumors. I hold both of them at fault. Dad is mad at me because I’m not thrilled with him about his new boy toy especially not after he was charged with sexual molestation of a boy who is 6 months younger than I am that he adopted. That happened my senior year. All my life I believed he didn’t do it, turns out he did, and the boy enjoyed it. The next day he turned my father in. Another bout of being a member of the walking dead. Last night in a fit of anguish because boy toy won’t drop his life and move up to no where ville, dad informed me there had been other younger males, all over 18 but still too young.

Every day since September 6th it’s been something. Some major explosion or a “could you just bring me….. out when you come to work?”. The stress is taking a massive toll on me and my guys.

The worst part has been feeling like I’m all alone, an orphan, and being told to “get over it” and asked why I’m not happy for everyone. I’m crushed, I cry a lot, and have even had a full blown temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming on the bed. I’m sure there’s a ton more to write about and that I’ve left huge segments out, but I’m not allowed to cry at work, it brings the patients and the boss (my father) down. Besides I have to go make coffee for he and boy toy so they can have their afternoon chat.

P.S. Dad just got his divorce papers and he’s livid (October 6, 2005). She’s charging him with adultery. I have a major homework assignment due tonight and all I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep. They promised they would be together forever…what happened to my family?! All the promises, all the beliefs, the truths I built my life on are lies, all lies. Who am I if my entire start came from a bed full of lies?

Thank goodness I have a 3.89 in college, and a strong semester to date because I’m not gonna make it through the holidays and probably won’t get something turned in on time.

Seven

2005-09-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

See as many of the 7 Wonders (all sets of them)

Live for awhile in NYC

See my son grow to be a good man

Go for a Cruise with DH

Visit Tibet

Graduate from College

Pet a big cat

7 Things I can do:

Make Bobbin Lace

Write Code in 4 languages

Cook

Love my family and create a loving home for them

Sing

Knit, crochet, cross stitch (I’m a sucker for a nice fiber)

Play video games

7 Things I cannot do:

Waterski

paint

make pie crusts

say no often enough

be less emotional

reach the top shelf of anything

learn when talking is the wrong choice

7 Things that attract me to another person

sense of humor

smile

intelligence

sense of right and wrong

truthfulness

love for the underdog (or cat)

willingness to support their beliefs and to do something about them

7 Celebrity Crushes

Stewart Townsen

Johnny Depp

Sean Connery

David Elliot

Pierce Brosnon

Michael Shanks

Ben Browder

7 Things I say the Most

Thank you for calling Counseling Associates, this is Wendy and how may I help you?

I’ll be here

I love you

Well, now

Oh Good heavens

Incoming (universal for duck and cover, both in RL and in game)

I’ve got homework to do

7 Bloggers I would tag:

They’ve all tagged

TRADITION!!!

2005-09-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone else hear a large group of Jewish singers? I thought so.

Anyways…what is tradition? It is what holds a group of people or family together. That brings into question what is a family. Let’s start with what a family isn’t. A family does not have to be bound by amino acids, meaning, genetics have very little do with family. I have sisters that I’ve never met, and some that I have, all of which are very very special to me and with whom I communicate far more often than I do my own sibling, mostly because he doesn’t return my calls.

So what is family? Family is love. Pure and simple. The English language has got to be the most lacking language on the planet because of the fact it has so very few iterations of the word Love. But think about…The love between husband and wife, the love between parent and child, the love between children, the love amongst true friends…all the glue that binds a family. If you choose to exit the family…guess what…you chose to leave the love and support of that family behind. This means you don’t get to keep the traditions either.

So guess what…nope, not carving pumpkins with you. Never did like doing that much, what I am doing is what I always wanted to do. I’m going to a Samhain party complete with apple bobbing and bonfire. Why am I doing this? Because I can. Yep put that in your pipe and smoke it, you judgmental snot. I am being true to WHO I am and I’m going to raise my family the way I see fit and your traditions are fake because obviously you have NO idea what traditions and family really are.

Not going to do the usual Thanksgiving either. I’m thinking deep fried turkey, corn bread stuffing and cherry pie. Oh, and guess who isn’t invited. That’s right, boy toy. So sorry, not part of MY family. I’ll bring you a plate, if I’m feeling magnanimous that day. Don’t count on it.

Christmas? I think we’ll do Hanukah and then Yule, heck maybe even Kwanza. What I do know is that peace and light and joy will be celebrated, even if there aren’t so many gifts to share. And only those that understand peace and joy and love will be invited.

I’m doing just fine without you. How would you do without me? Oh and since for some strange reason this blog ended up being all about you…how about we cover this part as well. You’re a liar and an immature brat who thinks only about keeping score. GROW UP. And be good, for one day, just one day. Don’t say anything mean, don’t launch another volley, just BE HAVE. If my brother and I behaved like this you’d send us both to our rooms for crying out loud. You’re 58 and 60, been married for 35 years. One would think that you could maybe just maybe try to be civil. Because this is getting just ridiculous, it really is.

Now there’s a new tradition. From now on Wednesdays are universal don’t fight day. NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!! Who’s in? (I figured I’d give you 36 hours notice so you could get used to the idea). Chants NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!!!

God help me I think it may soon be time for the big guns if ya’ll don’t start behaving.

Me, myself, and I

2005-09-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

I have recently been accused of allowing WoW to knock me off track in my blogging. That is not the case, at all.
I am not going to apologize for my lack of bloggage, I’ve never been a constant blogger anyways.

Three different people have mentioned recently that I’ve changed. One does that over a decade. A decade that saw a birth of a child while I wasn’t married. An unfortunate and short marriage, followed by a year living at home, remarriage, and now the end of my parents marriage. I’ve returned to college.

I don’t really remember who I once was, but why don’t I take a minute to tell you who I am now. Being the programmer that I am we’ll do this in an Object Oriented Way. I’ll give you a noun and then the appropriate properties (adjectives). And maybe for giggles a verb or two.

I am a wife. As a wife, I honour my husband. Honour meaning that I seek his counsel on all aspects of my life. Note I said COUNSEL. That does not mean I always act the way he’d like me too, but I do act always with him and our bond in mind.

I am a mother. Wow, now that’s a big word. I strive to do the job that the word mother entails to me. I am trying to raise my son not to be a good child but to be a good man. I hope to give him all the tools he needs so that when he reaches adulthood he will be able to leave me and not need me as anything other than a possible advisor. My job as a mother is to do my job so well that when the time comes, I’m out of a job, no matter how much that moment will break my heart.

Those are the two biggies. I value my family deeply. I am a romantic, but no longer an idealist. I want to build a foundation for my life that will allow me to find a job I enjoy, work hard at it, and stay put. I don’t want work at something then flip it. I want to craft something worthy of my name, my husband’s name that he gave me and I willingly took on the day of our marriage.

I am a friend. Not always a great one, but if you need advice, an ear, or someone to worry about you, I’m there. Don’t expect Christmas cards, because I’ll forget. Don’t expect me to send a birthday present, I’ll probably not have time to go out and get it. But, if late at night the world has beaten you to a pulp, I’m the one to call, because I’ll haul my butt out of bed, and come be with you until you can find peace.

In a lot of ways I guess I’m old fashioned. I believe in warm houses, cooking good food, snuggling close as a family when it’s cold outside. I bake cookies, stitch intricate designs, knit, and am very much a nesting female. I still look for Hallmark moments, but recently, I’ve learned to not expect them.

I’m a gamer. It’s how I met my husband. Playing games together, specifically MMORPG’s is one of the many ways we bond. Us against the world. His timberwolf firing over the head of my Crow. His hunter covering my back as my druid crowd controls and does damage. His cleric to my necromancer. Ying and yang. That’s Hades and I. It’s the way we do things, and now we have a minion. A sidekick. A child who while of my body alone, is a child of our hearts. He’s getting old enough to face the world with us. We’re a team, the three of us until it is time for the minion to go start a team of his own.

My dreams are easy to articulate.

I want to graduate from MTSU Summa Cum Laude, an honour never gained by any member of my family and I’m well on my way to that one.

I wish to move to Texas for two years while I pursue my masters degree in Level Design Scripting at Guildhall. (god bless you, dear one, for fanning the coals of that dream back to life and being so willing to put your own dreams on the back burner ‘til I get that one done)

After graduation I hope to move to a city, either in the US or Canada where we can put our roots down and stay awhile. I want the bright yellow house with the wrap around porch. A place for the kitties to run rampant. Hardwood floors, a room of black leather and gleaming chrome with all the wonderful tools of our trade. Flat panel screens, top of the line equiptment. Maybe enough so that we can work from home occasionally and be together. A kitchen full of warm cherry cabinets, terracotta floors, blue backsplash and a large oak table where we can all come together as a family to talk.

I want to see my son graduate from college, happy and whole.

Someday I want to live on the beach with hubby, walk in the surf together.

I’d like to spend a couple of years in NYC, just because.

Another baby, a little girl. A daughter for me, someone for DH to spoil, a baby sister for our son so he doesn’t have to face life alone when we’re gone.
Goddess willing, I will die of old age, having not had to face much of my late life without my beloved at my side. I say this in all honesty. If my mate passes before I do, after my children are of an age to no longer need me, I will follow him into the ribbons of time to join him very quickly after his passing. The very thought of a life without him, makes me forget how to breathe.

And running through out this discussion is the color of submission. That’s a strange thing for me to say, I think, since everyone seems to think of me as feisty. There is no reason why my choice to listen to my husband, to value him, to walk with him, to follow his lead, to call him and ask for his opinion on something before I do it, to allow him to be masculine, to strive to not emasculate him in our day to day lives is somehow contradictory to that concept of being independent. Yes I call him before I make plans to be somewhere. Yes I ask his blessing before I spend OUR money. OUR dreams are always at the front of my mind when I make life choices. I wear our rings as a sign of my choice to not put myself before our bond. I made this choice of my own free will. I distance myself from situations that may undermine our bond. Sometimes that means not pursuing friendships with people that make me uncomfortable and create in me a sense of that being threatened. I am not in my marriage for myself, but instead for us and you know what, not only am I doing all right, I’m freaking thriving in a way I can’t ever possibly have imagined thriving before. I am the ying to his yang. Together we are a whole, better than we ever could be apart. As far as the sexual side to that aspect of my being, that would be telling, and that’s not nice, and he has asked me not to, so I won’t. See how that works? If not, oh well, just don’t pass judgement on something you may not understand.

I guess that’s the best way I can explain myself. Thanks for reading. I needed, after this horrifically horrid, awful week to spend some time reminding myself of the big picture.

Guess there won’t be Christmas dinner at mom and dad’s house anymore, but you know what…they’ll both be more than welcome at my house, and if they can’t play nice, they don’t get any dessert.

I leave you with the visual image of a dwarf walking side by side with his gnome, fingers intertwined at the moment of transisiton when the sky is the dark purple of tranquility. An unlikely pair to be sure. A likely pair none the less.

I love you, dwarfy. I always will.

O_O

2005-09-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

Text deleted because my blog could be used in their divorce proceedings, apparently.

Where I've been...

2005-09-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, and for those that care. My parents are currently in process of getting a divorce. This makes things a bit crazy since I now work for dad and I live on the property with my mother. I'll get my sea legs soon once everyone stops rocking the freaking boat.

DH and I are doing fine, he's being incredible.

Thegnomeinmyhead has left and didn't leave a forwarding address. Rumor has it that there's a lonely dwarf who's gone looking for her. I have faith that if anyone can bring her back, he can.

Anger...

2005-08-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Is everywhere. It’s in my office where anger raged over the weekend resulting in broken glass and a shattered sense of safety. It’s in my own blog where I took my anger out on someone who in hindsight really didn’t deserve it. It’s in the faces of parents who just want their kids to get out of the car and go to school. It’s in the news reports about the war in Iraq.

When did the world become so angry? Where wonton destruction of personal propertybecome ok? You did this for no good reason other than being doped up on to much something and angry because you didn’t get the free money you did NOT work for, you do NOT deserve, and why should my hard earned taxes be paid to your lazy ass because you’re nuts? Get a job, quit drinking, quit smoking crack, quit passing judgment on other people for what it is you’re doing yourself and go be productive! Fascinating thought, isn’t it? Oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you take some time to say you’re sorry and maybe make it easier for me to sit in this desk chair and office still covered in glass and to look my son in the eye tonight when I try to assure him that he’s safe, I’m safe and that really people aren’t all bad. You made that a hard truth to sell, you know. Thank you for taking away his innocence. You had best hope you and I do not meet, and don’t even think I won’t tell my husband who you are. Am I angry? Yep. Should I be? Probably. Will I remain that way? Not on your life. You will NOT be given that much power.

As to the person who so recently was the receiver of my first good temper tantrum in a very very long time, I am truly sorry. I see now that things that I believed were true where not, and that in short, what preconceived ideas I had simply weren’t reality. Please accept this public apology for behaving in a most uncharacteristic manner.

As for the war…don’t get me started, please.

The parents at my son’s school who were flipping each other off and what not because no one wanted to play nice…don’t come whining to me when my kid outscores your kid, ad uses really big words, and therefore your kid doesn’t like my kid and they get into a scuffle, ok? You have proven to be immature idiots who are breeding more immature idiots. Do me a favor, quit having children.

There’s enough anger in this world. No more from my side. Now if you will excuse me I need to go pull a piece of glass out of the paw of our therapy dog who never hurt anyone. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Oh wow...

2005-08-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hee!

2005-08-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you.
Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you.
You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle.

Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

This is just...oh nevermind :)

Is it love or is it sex?

2005-08-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

This is a question that in one form or another has continued to bounce around in my brain for weeks. I figured the gnomeinmyhead was about tired of ducking the subject and that maybe it was time to write about it.

What makes up human relationships? When is sex just sex? What makes friendship different than your primary relationship? Is sex needed for love and vice versa? You see, I’ve never been one for casual intimate contact (interesting oxymoron that statement was). Once I found my mate, I even felt uncomfortable going to a male doctor. Odd isn’t it?

Do I intend on answering any of these questions? Probably not, mostly because I don’t believe there are any tried and true answers across the board. But what I do want to explore is the dynamic of intimacy in my primary relationship. I have the delight and the challenge of having married a man who is my best friend. The delightful part is that I know that my best friend will always be only a few feet away and won’t ever move across the country. He’s a permanent fixture in my life till one of us passes to the next level where I firmly believe we’ll find one another again (now there’s another blog entry if I ever read one). The challenge? The challenge comes when things may not be working so very well between us for whatever reason, heaven knows there isn’t a relationship that doesn’t occasionally hit a rocky place after all. But it’s not like I can talk to my best friend about my best friend.

Now here’s where the quandary comes for me. I’ve seen couples who fight like there’s no tomorrow, have absolutely nothing in common what so ever stay together because the sex is incredible. I find myself wondering what would happen with these people should one of them not be able to ahem…perform so to speak. And how incredible can the sex actually be if 1) you have to tell everyone how incredible it is and 2) there’s no intimacy in the relationship outside of sex. Britney Spears gushing about sex comes to mind here.

I know deeply committed lesbian couples who are intimate, loving, caring couples. I’ve known of hetero relationships with the same degree of comradery, delight in the other partner, and love. Obviously, physical relations differ. Can you have a solid primary relationship without feeling the need to constantly use sex as the primary bonding agent? I have to answer that in the very sound affirmative. I live in one everyday. We snuggle, we cuddle, we bond over the craziest things and we can’t for one second imagine being with anyone else.

I look around and wonder if occasionally sex is mistaken for love. Great sex is not love. Honest. I think that’s something we learn as we mature. Remember that first kiss? The first time for you? How you were just sure that you would never ever feel the same again. And how now from the perspective of a more mature outlook you realize it was mostly about hormones?

A long, durable, well forged, bonded relationship takes constant vigilant maintenance. Part of that maintenance is sexual, sure, but by far in my opinion the thing that brings two people together for the long haul is actually the intimacy forged through home court advantage (See December 2004 for an explanation of that one).

Have a blessed day.

As promised...

2005-08-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

What I did last night...

We went to Piggly Wiggly and to my amazement my pocket rang :). Stasha with my cell phone number can occasionally be more than a person can stand!

Got home, I made my much sought after Chicken Teriyaki stir fry. Hubby made me promise that I'd make lasagna on Saturday which sounds delightful since we have to go school shopping and will be close to the ingredients anyways. I’m thinking pepperoni bread would be good too with a like salad.

During all of this we're loading WoW into our machines and patching. OI Vey what a patch! 190mgs!

Chatted with Kari for a few and then DH washed my hair for me, talk about heaven and what an intensely intimate act. We giggled for a good 15 minutes.

Phone rang...told you Stasha with my cell phone number is deadly, only this time she got DH. I don't think I've heard him laugh that much on the phone in a very long time. Thank you, dear heart, for making him smile.

We got to reading blogs and what not and he very cutely looks at me and says...Please promise me that if I ever make WhizGidget mad that you'll give me enough warning to run. I have no doubt you'll be very safe in Nashville!.

Silly male.

We played WoW, ate amazingly good chocolate ice cream sandwiches resulting in more giggling over the sighs and moans those things illicited.

As a true Fyre/Haedes experience I got his dwarven butt smushed while out hunting. See some things never change!

Then we went to bed. Anything more about that would be telling :)

So that was my evening. How was yours?

WoW

2005-08-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yay!!! Hubby and I have decided to return to the wonderful World of Warcraft! Gamers...look for us on Cenarion Circle(Roleplay server). YAY!!! He's patching the machines as we speak. I'll be running it on the laptop until the desktop upgrade comes in.

Oh...we're on the Alliance side btw.

Who needs sleep :)

Laughter

2005-08-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

If you read the most recent posting of my husband's blog (look right, yeah that link) you'll understand one of the many reasons I married him.

The man makes me laugh until I can't see straight just about every single day. Not a half bad reason to be happily married to him, I think.

Utilization of Resources…

2005-08-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

Let’s face it. In life you only have so many resources. There’s only so much time, so much energy, so much money. The trick to a happy, successful life is the effective, efficient uses of the resources at hand. The sad part is that occasionally life sees fit to suck more resources than you budgeted. The car dies and there goes your much needed weekend away. Someone pops into your life unannounced and sucks so much energy from you that you’re left not being able to deal with day to day life details, and your entire life begins to show wear and tear around the edges.

I can’t help but feel recently that my budgeting of my resources has been way off. School was far more stressful this summer than I thought it would be and I lost precious time with my son. Work has been a bear and I continue to come home far more needy than my husband deserves. Even the latest feline addition to the house has proven to take more time than I thought he would. Then there’s the whole “friend” issue that is just getting more and more bizarre as time goes by.

So what do I do about it? I evaluate my needs, weigh them against the needs of my life and decide what will and will not get priority. So, let’s get some priorities straight and out there on the table, shall we?

First priority, my marriage. Believe it or not, while that appears to be a no brainer it really isn’t, though it should be. My husband is my rock around which my existence revolves. He’s my spouse, my best friend, my confidant, my playmate, and the center of my life. I revolve around him. When he gets wonky, I get wonky. I am not complete when he isn’t around. Call it what you might, co-dependant, self destructive, whatever. But until you come to understand him and I, don’t pass judgment while you look on and a side of you wishes that you had what we have. It takes a lot of trust an a great deal of resources to tether your life to someone else’s and betting the farm on the fact they will be there in the end, through sickness and health, and all that jazz. I love my husband but love is not enough. Complete total trust that he will be there when I need him, when I don’t think I do, but do. That he will come when I scream about a bug, or scream against the pain that life can bring with it. So, he gets my first resource investment.

Second priority, our son. See first priority. This family doesn’t work without the foundation of our marriage. I have missed so much of his life through stupid choices as well as through pursuing things to make our life better. I promise you, Spawn, that I will devote time to you over the days to come. There are movies to be watched, dinners to be cooked together, shopping to do, and games to be played. You’re growing into such an amazing young man. Be patient with your mom, she’s trying so very hard.

Third…school. Self explanatory if you read one and two.

Fourth…interpersonal relationships. Oh now there’s the problem. Recently, someone who was to have been a joy to spend time with, and in many ways still is, who was to help alleviate some of the problems with 1, 2 and 3…didn’t. Instead, things went from slightly, intriguingly complicated straight to…oh my GOD complicated. I don’t know, maybe I can’t deal with anything beyond the first 3. Between Crazy Church Lady who calls and screws up my evening plans because I have to let her dog out, CB and CC taking up way more time than they should, a trip to Nashville that I am oh so very much looking forward to, honest, ladies I am…but even good things are complicated, you know? There’s a father who’s finally discovering that maybe things aren’t the way he wants them in his life (this adds to work stress) who needs my attention, my love, and my understanding right now. My brother who just broke up a relationship of 4 years who wants my support and a mother who’s difficult at the best of times and lets just say that right now this is NOT the best of times.

So…how by all that is holy do I make this all work?!

Insight would be delightful, because, I have to admit, I don’t have any deep philosophical statements to make right now about this all. I’m tired and I miss the quiet times with my husband, yet the world continues to conspire against those times.

For right now, I have 10 pages of invoicing I haven’t managed to get done yet, a picnic table to find for DF for his Boy Toy’s birthday this evening, money to track, banks to call, a post for a BB to write up, credit charges to dispute (DF’s), and a million other things that ever so discretely nibble away at my dwindling resource pile.

sigh

2005-08-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've been told I'm over reacting. To shut up, and to apologize.

I'll do the first two. I'll wait on the second.

No more cat fights, no more raging anger. While I apparently am not better than this, I'd like to think I could be.

Fyre is done burning, but I think I'll smolder for awhile instead.

Morass

2005-08-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

::something that traps, confuses, or impedes ie. a morass of troubles

What a neat word, and one that is oh so fitting today.

I feel trapped. Trapped into dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. Honestly, all I wanted was to enjoy the company of someone I like, someone I really think hubby and I could have enjoyed getting to know. But, because of the way things were handled all around, and because of the characteristics of this guy (who we will call CB) and his wife (hmmm, let’s call her…CC) this just isn’t going to happen. However, now I’m trapped with having to ever so gently pull myself out of this rife with problematic aspects situation. Let’s just say that gently is not where I want to go right now. I’d much rather take a serious clue-by-four to her head and beat her brainless until she sees what she has instead of what/who she doesn’t have.

Hubby says I’m above pettiness. I so wish he was right, but right now, pettiness is the least of the vengeful behaviors I want to rain down on her stupid head.

Confused…oh heck yeah. And as soon as I figure out exactly what I’m confused about I’ll let you know.

Impedes…the Queen of Hearts has laid down the law and now I have to be good. Bitch.

Oh and if you’re reading this, you had best watch whose intentions about their husband you doubt and post to the internet. You have NO idea what it’s like to be in a good marriage, a sound marriage, a marriage of equals. I will allow you to have done that once because in the end I pity you. Do it again, and you will have more on your plate than you ever dreamed of having to deal with. I love my husband, you have no idea what that means, obviously. Do not ever again libel something you have no earthly idea about.

By the way, if any of these words are too difficult for you to understand, you might want to try www.dictionary.com

You have unleashed in me a side that I have kept closely in check for many years, and I so hate you for it. Truth is, I've wasted enough time on this entire thing. I'm better than this, than you, and I have every intention of wiping the residue of this experience off the bottom of my shoe and going on with my life.

Paradigm

2005-08-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.

Until recently I did not understand what it meant when your have a paradigm shift. I understand now. My reality is no longer what it once was and that has reverberated throughout my life and changed my self concept and the reality of my future. Someone who has been present in my life since birth recently made a statement that has left me questioning, seeking, and my entire thought process has been shifted. Not changed, but…shifted.

I still love them, I don’t understand, and in some ways I’m hurt. Bright One bless my husband for standing beside me as the waves of my reality roil around me trying to eat away at my foundations. My rock stands beside me, supporting me, loving me, and helping me build a new foundation.

While I may not understand your choices, I will accept them, and I will make them part of who I am, even as I struggle to make them fit into who I believe you are.

As for the rest of what is going on in my life and those players who flit about on the stage of my reality...you're going to have to be patient, I'll come full circle eventually, until then, I will talk with you, be with you, but any more energy than that will have to be directed at more inner thoughts and needs. There is much that is cracking within me. Trust that when I re-emerge it will be with a stronger core, sunk deep into the foundation of my existance as an adult, as a woman, as a lover, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend. Until then, I will give you what I can, please do not ask for more.

What Fyre warms and brings life to, Fyre can also consume and destroy. Be careful, or you will be burned. You have been warned. Do not rant, rave or whine when it happens. And it will happen if you push me.

Tagged!

2005-05-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

The Informative One has tagged me so here it goes....

So, if I’ve got it right, I have to pick five things from the following list, and then complete the sentence, and then go on and tag another 3 people. Okay, then....

If I could be a scientist . . .
If I could be a farmer . . .
If I could be a musician . . .
If I could be a doctor . . .
If I could be a painter . . .
If I could be a gardener . . .
If I could be a missionary . . .
If I could be a chef . . .
If I could be an architect . . .
If I could be a linguist . . .
If I could be a psychologist . . .
If I could be a librarian . . .
If I could be an athlete . . .
If I could be a lawyer . . .
If I could be an inn-keeper . . .
If I could be a professor . . .
If I could be a writer . . .
If I could be a llama-rider . . .
If I could be a bonnie pirate . . .
If I could be an astronaut . . .
If I could be a world famous blogger . . .
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world . . .
If I could be married to any current famous political figure…

If I could be a chef I would open a school where I could teach people how to cook in their own kitchens and how to not be afraid of all of the "stuff" in there.

If I could be an inn-keeper I would have a B&B in the Pacific northwest completely wired where people could come and work on the fleet of laptops I'd have, or their own, or groups could come to meet, be taken care of and create amazing software applications that would change the way the world works.

If I could be a scientist it would be in melding technology into the lives of everyone in order to give them a higher quality of existance (if that's what they wanted).

If I could be a professor I would teach in a way to inspire ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the fields of robotics and voice recoginition in order to spur people into creating things that would help people who have been hurt or are born with defects.

If I could be a doctor I would be studying gene therapy and nanotechnology.

Now who to tag....

Well the first one would be my bestest friend in the whole wide world...You're IT, sweetie

Second...a girlfriend of the finest caliber...Juli, my dear, consider yourself tagged...You're IT

Thirdly...another member of the bra *giggles* squad...Margaret, you've been tagged! Yep and you too!

Enjoy!

Friday Forum

2005-05-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Decided this was a good way to get back into blogging...

1. What haven't you done yet in your life that you'd really like to do someday? Why? Will you do any of these things in the near future? Are you making progress toward them?

Work on a homegrown video game with a group of really fine people that goes gold and being able to pay them what they are worth. The reasoning behind this is that there is amazing talent out there that simply doesn't get utilized because they aren't the norm, aren't working in the industry, or don't have the capital to give up their day job. Yeah, I think I am making progress towards that goal and luckily anything I do to get there will help me in less "pie in the sky" dreams.

2. If you could completely start your life over from scratch, what would you do differently the second time around? Why?

I would have had more faith in myself to make decisions that were good for me and not listened to my parents and other people and done what they wanted.

3. What do you think you'll be like when you're 70, 80, 90, possibly even 100 years old? Were do you think you'll be living and what activites do you think you'll enjoy?

70: I hope to still be working in the computer business, savy and in touch with things and a serious giggle to my son and maybe even my grand children. Happily married to my husband.

80: retired and playing with all the new gadgets. Probably well wired complete with implants and what not. Hopefully happily married to my husband.

90: travelling the world, and maybe even going to Mars. Visiting all the holy places on this Earth.

100: Still linked in, but slower, calmer, waiting for when I can rejoin my husband. Watching my progeny grow and go forth into the world.

4. What agres do you think have been the best so far? Why? What do you think of your current age...are you enjoying it? Are you looking forward to your next birthday?

The best is yet to come, because they have to be better than what I've had so far. 32 isn't bad, some days I feel way older and other days I feel way younger. Enjoyment is not on the menu right now. Yes I'm looking forward to my next birthday it means that I'm a few months from graduation and getting out of here.

5. What do you feel is most important in your life?

Family and friends. The love of a good man which I finally have and to be a good mother for my son, something that has been a challenge.

So that my friends is the recent Friday Forum and my current foray into getting back to blogging.

A moment of quiet thought...

2005-04-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

I opened up one of my favorite discussion boards and saw where they've given Pope John Paul an annointing for the sick, which is Last Rites from what I've heard. No, I'm not Catholic, but I grew up in a Catholic school. I believe that Pope John Paul is a truly amazing man and the world will be a poorer place when he passes, but Heaven will be all the richer. My prayers go up for you Pope. I hope your passing is peaceful and that you are with God soon. Say hello to Mother Teresa for me, ok?

Fyre

Marriage

2004-12-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

DH and I recently had a discussion about monogamy and whether or not it’s truly possible in human nature, especially as we are looking at living longer as a species. We, after a long discussion, came to the conclusion that monogamy has little to do with the organs between our legs but much more to do with the one between our ears.

A monogamous marriage is a choice. And in this world, it is often a choice made over and over and over again. My husband hungers to understand people, all people, everywhere. He’s a people watcher, and half the population of this planet is women, so he watches women, a lot. I like to get to know people, males and females, and that occasionally can be troublesome and present either of us or both of us with the choice as to whether or not we’re going to stay monogamous. (For those of you who are curious, the answer is yes).

Given the amount of temptation out there, why do two people remain monogamous? What makes them repeatedly chose the one they’re with? Why is there no one I can think of on the planet who could actually get me into their bed? Not Pierce Brosnon, not Stewart Townsen, or Tom Cruise, or Catherine Zeta Jones or anyone else. There was a time when I might have gotten on a plane to fly across this country to “be” with someone else. I didn’t. Why? Because my husband said two words “Don’t go” and the spell was broken. And I never looked back.

Now, neither my husband or I are conventionally attractive. When the sun hit his hair just so my heart shudders. When he looks at me with his dark hazel eyes I’m spell bound. His smile lights up my world. His brain is incredible. I think he’d say much the same sort of thing about me.

Why are we still together? Why are we not chasing the myriad of bunnies who have hopped through our lives? Home field advantage!

Yep, Home Field Advantage is the reason. If, you have done your job right, and you know your mate then you should have no problem at all with executing a full court press. Why is that a man will get a video game and learn every nuance of that game before playing it against others but you have a brain block against getting to know your wives and then you can’t figure out why you get fragged. Or he’ll know every stat of every player he’s about to add to his fantasy sport team, but won’t know that his wife prefers a certain brand of chocolate. Women…you use all your whiles, your brains, and everything else to catch him, to set the hook, but once you get him you stop doing much of that for him. You may do it for yourself, for your corporate image, but you don’t do it for your man. Monogamy is about knowing your spouse, knowing what makes them tick, and using that to keep their attention.

Disclaimer time: If you are in a psychologically or physically abusive relationship, get out. That is NOT about him/her knowing you better, it’s about him/her using their knowledge AGAINST you, not for you.

If you believe that you shouldn’t have to do anything to keep your mate, then you deserve what you get.

My husband is the only male who turns my head, to me he is everything I could ever want in a man. He knows me, and he wants to keep getting to know me. He’ll spend the next week looking everywhere to find me the perfect Christmas present, and he’ll succeed and I won’t even know it’s the perfect present until I get it. Last year it was a bag and in that bag was a wonderful snowflake pin, a soft stuffed bear, a number of hair clips, ribbons, and holders, and a shower cap. Sounds utilitarian doesn’t it? The pin was one I had stopped to stare at two weeks before because I realized I had no seasonal pins. The soft teddy bear fit perfectly under my head when I went to sleep, better than a pillow ever could. The hair do-dads were his way of reminding me that while I’m at work, up in a bun is fine, but when I’m with him, he wants to see it down so he can touch it. The shower cap was something I’ve needed for years and wouldn’t buy for myself. Now I can take long wonderful showers and not futz around with slightly damp hair afterwards.

Home Field Advantage, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what makes monogamy possible. It is what makes monogamy so wonderful. Use the organ between your ears before you engage the one between your legs.

Sorry about the delay

2004-12-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

Work has reared it's head, I recently got onto a very interesting mail list and that's sucking alot of time, coupled with a week until exams for school and you have one frazzled Fyre.

I promise to have something nice and interesting for you on Monday. Until then here's an interesting article to read. I'd love comments.

http://www.womengamers.com/articles/gamingnewborn.php

Personally, I say GOOD FOR YOU!

Until Monday
Fyre

Wheel's Return

2004-11-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

As a soul enters this world there are certain things that the soul needs to learn in order to move to the next level of awareness (which could or could not be Heaven, although Heaven is the final goal). I believe that souls will keep coming back until they have learned the appropriate lessons. That’s why you have people who seem just “older” than those around them.

Where does that leave evil and bad people? Well, there is a negative force in the world commonly known as evil who is trying to snatch as many souls in progress as possible in order to keep the good side from getting the upper hand.

That being said…I really wish God would quit sending me back to raise people. My parents for example, 33 years of marriage and they’re still bickering and now dad is suing for divorce. My brother is marrying a woman just like my mother. My exhusband didn’t learn a damn thing being married to me, he just filed personal bankruptcy because he still can’t figure out how to balance a checkbook. Thank god my husband seems to be sane.

Don’t even ask me about my son who has decided that the best way to rebel against me is to become an anal retentive, bible beating, closed minded, twit and he’s only 10. The child told my husband that we’d all be happier if I did more work around the house since I’m the woman. His argument was that we weren’t practicing our God given roles (I work and go to school, DH stays home and creates an environment of no chaos for me, bless his heart) so therefore that’s why the car broke down.

I did the best I could raising my parents, if they’re out to frell up their lives there really isn’t much I can do about it. Same with baby brother. As for my son, I’ll open his mind up if it takes a sledgehammer.

I realize that I’ve been here before and that my Creator has a huge amount of faith in my, and that there’s a lesson in all of this somewhere, but really, truly, couldn’t it have waited until after exams?

Fyre

I believe...

2004-11-29T00:20:00.000-08:00

That there's no proof that there is no Santa Claus so why not believe in him? I believe in fairies, gnomes, and happily ever after. I think that there are many things in this world we really don't understand fully and we're daft if we think we have it all pinned down with our primative minds.

I know there is anger and hatred and violence and other nasty nasty horrible things, so I'm not some sort of strange, demented, pie in the sky flower child. However, I think that tolerance, love, understanding, and selflessness can over come anything and that the single most amazing thing in this entire cosmos is the human spirit to prevail in horrible conditions.

I believe that happily ever after does exist, can prevail, and that if there are two people in this world who can pull it off in my current environment it's my husband and I. I'll expound more on that as I digest what's going on in my world right now.

Thanks for visiting and reading about my life and I hope that it gives you a window into someone else's head and help you be less likely to be closed minded.

Fyre

Religious Opinions part 1

2004-11-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

Warning: I would not be what one would call a traditional Christian. You’ve been warned so don’t Bible thump at me and try to save my poor soul, because I can do that all by myself, thank you.

First off my religious background: I was christened evangelical church of God, baptized Methodist, went to a Catholic school where my best friend was Jewish, confirmed Episcopalian, went to a Church of Christ School for a year and graduated from a Presbyterian High School, married Methodist, both times, and was and am in many ways a practicing Wiccan. Oh, my friends in high school were Buddist, Ba’Hai, Muslim, Jewish, Pagan, and Agnostic.

Jesus told us to be as little children in order to enter the Kingdom of God, yes? Have you spent 10 minutes with a 3 year old? Their favorite question is Why. The Creator gave us a brain, capable of amazing things, and we take everything at face value, never ask why, and just assume that what we’re being told is the Truth? Personally, I think the Creator wants us to question, think, and wonder about this incredible world we have.

Do you really believe that God is male? I mean really, the all supreme being actually has a gender? A gender that is NOT the one that He gave the ability to bring life into this world? I mean really, think about that. Enough to bake your noodle, isn’t it?

Jesus came to save us, to experience the human condition, but he died a virgin. At least that’s what the establishment would want you to think. Doesn’t sound very human, now does it?

I’ll leave you with these for now. I have lots more which will appear every so often, so stay tuned.

Fyre

Being a woman in a man’s world.

2004-11-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

Being a woman in a man’s world.

This will be a theme you see me return to every so often, probably too often. You see, I’m a college student who has hopes of someday going to a very nice school in Plano, Texas where I’ll be taught how to be a level designer for video games. There’s only one problem…I’m female, I’m 31, and I really really don’t want to have to put up with grown men behaving like adolescents. I’m hoping that the environment I keep hearing about isn’t the real one. I knew I was going to be in the minority, but I never understood just how much until I saw this photo…

http://www.battle.net/war3/images/frys/ss01.jpg

This is the brilliant team at Blizzard who came up with the latest WarCraft title. Notice they’re all male except one female, and she’s a pretty one at that.

http://www.fragdolls.com/index.php

Link to the FPS all girl’s team that recently got a huge amount of press. Not only are they beautiful apparently they really do have game. YAY! Would have liked it if they looked like the rest of the women gamers in the world, but I'll take what I can get.

So in light of this all, I’m going to take my seriously pudgy butt out for a walk and hope that maybe between now and the time I head to grad school next year I’m atleast presentable.

Here’s the question…should I have to? I mean I want to because I am in abysmal health. But that never bothered me. Seeing a line of 20+ designers however has me wanting to buy an abroller. I’m very married and didn’t find any of them attractive, they aren’t my snookums after all. I think the Gnomeinmybrain has been messing with things again, because I’m at a loss here.

What do you think?

Fyre

Women...

2004-11-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am a woman, I even see myself as a girl sometimes. Really, I am. Under the pudgy figure, make-up-less face, untweezed eyebrows (alright so I just don’t like pain), sometimes shaved legs, I am a female with all the female needs, urges, wants and desires. For example:

I need to take a bubble bath atleast twice a week.
I have an urge to eat chocolate every single day.
I want to have the time to spend hours on my appearance. However, God has not seen fit to make a 29 hour day.
I have the desire to own a matching pair of shoes for every outfit.

What I also have is a gnomeinmyhead who occassionally speaks sense to me. She doesn’t win on the bubble bath argument given that I tend to read my textbooks in the bathtub (and I secretly think she likes them herself). The great chocolate debate goes either way on any given day. The rest of the items and many unlisted ones she tends to win on like…no, Fyre, don’t need 22 pairs of black shoes you won’t wear because they’re uncomfortable and as for doing my waist length hair every day, putting on makeup, doing my nails, and tweezing my eyebrows ( I do tweeze my chin and that’s enough thank you very much, even the gnomeinmyhead agrees on that one) there just isn’t enough time in the day, besides there is a creature I live with known as my son that I want to keep in touch with, my husband likes to see me, oh and that little thing called college that takes alot of my time, not to mention socks to knit, games to play, stitches to cross, and all those other fun things I'd rather be doing.

Where I work we’re all rather down to earth, except for the GreekGod next door who thinks he’s god’s gift to women. He offered to trade my computer services for him to laser my facial hair off, and somehow he thought this was a sensible thing to say to me (Gnome scream: NOT). So the GreekGod has hired two plastic blondes to be aestheticians who are going to do facials, waxes (OUCH!) and other things in his office 5 days a week. He needed something and I took it over to him. Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep due to a cat who got into the garbage can and ate something that didn’t agree with him and spent the night retching…in our bedroom of course. And I’m a fulltime student, granted gnomeinmyhead tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen, while I work full time in the looney bin, you can imagine what I looked like. Those two women looked at me with this demented gleem in their eyes as their fingers clenched and unclenched in glee at the sight of my bushy eyebrows, slightly frizzy hair, and chipped finger nails (I did it opening up the box to the new router we just had shipped in). Luckily, the gnomeinmyhead turned her attention away from the WoW open beta she was playing and slapped my brain back into functioning and I headed for the hills albeit with my perverbial tail between my legs.

Now, what I don’t understand was the overwhelming urge I had to run to the bathroom, braid my hair, dig out my make up and go out and buy a new pair of black shoes that will clack on the floor as happily as theirs do. Luckily the gnomeinmyhead executed the “Get Coffee” routine and I turned my attention happily to the steaming cup of French vanilla (I told you I was a girl) Senseo coffee that was soon in my hands.

I’m happily married, my husband says I’m beautiful, my son even at 10 still likes to be seen out in public with me, people don’t lose their lunch when they see me, and I have a giggle that is infectious, I’m intelligent if my 3.885 GPA in my junior year of college is any indication, and I’m even told I have a sexy phone voice. I know all this, the gnomeinmyhead tells me these things often, why then do I still feel inadequate to those two plastic blondes a meer 15 feet from here? And their clientele who are going to come in my front door in a quest to beat back the signs of aging, gravity, and too many cigarettes while looking down upon those of us who don't even bother to fight back the inevitiable. The gnomeinmyhead and I are going to have to discuss this overwhelming urge I currently have to tweeze my eyebrows and nair my legs tonight instead of spending time writing the rough drafts of the two papers I have due tomorrow.

Let’s hope the gnome wins.

The Evils of Video Games

2004-11-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

note to readers: This is NOT going to be a 3 page long diatribe on the evils of all digital media nor on video games specifically. I am not going to spew ill thought out evangelical nonsense, I am probably not even going spew virtual spittle as I scream at you about the evils of all things scientific. I love video games, video games brought me my DH, video games are going to be putting the food on the table soon (God willing and the creek don’t rise) and they’re a way for my entire extended family to beat the virtual snot out of one another instead of doing so verbally in real life, which in my book is always a good thing. What this is going to be is a short rant about the tunnel vision that is so prevalent in this world. Here endeth your public service announcement

Parents tell me all the time that they don’t understand their children. Case in point. Man brings his angst ridden adolescent son in for counseling. I look at the kid who’s bangs are dragging his nose, he’s dressed in all black and he has this look of long suffering on his face. His crisp blue eyes meet mine and a fog lifts. Despite my frumpy build, my age (31) and my appearance of generic woman hood I like to call my “mask of everywoman” that I wear so often in order to not scare the natives, he recognizes a kindred spirit. Maybe it was the shared knowledge that I not only understood the caption on his t-shirt but that I found it amusing as well. The caption on his black t-shirt printed in white letters was: There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't... but in that moment an understanding was born. For those of you who are baffled at this moment: 10 is the denotation in binary for the number 2 .

The child is totally lost in this rural backwater place with a father who knows his son is smarter than he is and doesn’t even bother to get to know his child. I say to the boy, “Have you tried out the new WoW (World of WarCraft) open beta? It’s a great game, I highly suggest it.” He answers, “No, I got Half-Life 2 last night.” OK, FPSs (First Person Shooters) aren’t my cup of tea but I know they have their place. I nod and he leaves the office leaving me with his father who proceeds to lay into me in that whispered voice that everyone for 3 miles can hear about how he doesn’t let his son play games with Witch Craft in them. The gnome in my head has just thrown the halt switch in my brain workings at that one. Even she is looking at this guy a bit confuzzled. After a 9 hour day of dealing with this sort of bizarre thinking I snap a little and say “Sir, how is it better to run around a rather real looking environment carrying enough ammunition and fire power to take out an entire battalion which you use to blow up anything that moves, creature and human alike, in such realism that the military uses such things to desensitize their recruits to the reality of war….than to say throw a large blue fire ball at a bright yellow spider in a world so far from reality it belongs in a fantasy novel, not to mention the hands throwing that large ball of flame-age are those of a Night Elf. I haven’t seen any Night Elves running around your local park, don’t seen Night Elves blowing up women and children in far away lands. The flaming blue ball of doom ISN’T REAL and you can’t even buy one at your local pawn shop unlike the high powered rifles. How is this more better?!

His response…

Wait for it…put down your drink and swallow first….

His response was…”Witch Craft is evil”.

By this time the gnome in my head is banging her head against her desk while the Everywoman mask remains firmly in place despite my incredible urge to just sit there staring at this man slack jawed. I of course have a misguided hope that by talking to this man parent to parent might help save the budding geek in the waiting room so I try. “Sir, I really don’t understand what the problem is. Of course I have also read Harry Potter, Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Madeliene L’Engle, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and most Fairy Tales.”

He stops me, eyes alight with that crazied look that only a person alight with the fire of Christian unquestioning zeal can have and says….

Swallow first…

It’s EVERYWHERE isn’t it?!

Gnomeinsidemyhead has gone for coffee by now, having given up on trying to get my brain to process this. She left me with one thought…

Who exactly needs the counseling in that family?

I’ll have to say I agree with her 100%.

I have returned ...

2004-11-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

I've spent almost a year trying to decide what it is I want to say. Don't expect anything profound. I believe that people write blogs because they want the world to know what they have to say, it's sorta egotistical if you think about it. I've spent most of the past year thinking "Why would anyone want to read something I've written!?". Doesn't matter to me if you read what I write (however, I have to admit I do get a nice warm fuzzy feeling when I know someone has read what I post here), what does matter to me is that I write. Writing is important. Getting my feelings out in words is important. I'm choosing this medium in hopes that I might find others who think the same thing, and in my egotistical way, I also believe that maybe just maybe something I say makes someone think, and maybe their minds will open just a tiny bit.

So with that, I'd like to make official notice to cyber space...I'm back. For now.

Fyreraven

Never leave things to the last moment...

2003-12-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

I've been avoiding my American History Exam. Granted tonight is the only night I can take it, but I've had the essay questions since the beginning of the semester. But have I done anything about that? Nope. Everything I do for this teacher nets me an 83, so why bother? Write the essay, take the exam, get it over with and be done. But no, I have to have a friend, my only real life, in the fless, lives in the same town friend, implode today.

She's a bit doofy, but good at heart. She got attached to a friend from work a few months ago. More attached than a married woman should be, but that's her issue, not mine. I told her it wasn't healthy. Nothing "happened" of course, but things were still a might hairy. Crush object managed to do himself in rather messily a few weeks ago, and it all just hit her now. So what does she do, she shows up here in shambles. Only problem was I had no excess good energy to share, so she's sapped me dry.

Here's to hoping that Hamilton and Jefferson manage to sort themselves out in my mind.

Oh, and one more thing to say for those of you who watched BattleStar Galactica recently

FRACK!!! I want more!

Have a good day!

I ended up making an 86 on the final exam. Got my second B in my college career. Doesn't seem so important anymore. Above mentioned friend is still weepy about the guy. Spent an evening letting her drink things bigger than her head and then tell her husband of 20 years that she still loved him. I'm beginning to think that the online friends are the way to go, the flesh and blood ones are a bit weird.

The Here and Now

2003-12-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

Hi all. DH and I have found a new online game to play. Horizons looks really promising. Thing is that a couple we have a pretty nasty history with is also planning on playing the game. DH assures me that 1) I can handle them if I do run into them and 2) that on 15 servers the chances of banging into them is slim to none. The thing is that even the thought of bumping into them leaves me with an icky taste in my mouth. They were intrigal parts of what could have been the largest tragedy in my life outside of losing my child.

I really REALLY want to play this game with DH, because its something we both love doing, and we'll be able to create our own little virtual world MUhahahahaha!

I know that what happened before won't happen again. I'm older and wiser, and smarter and more sure of myself and my marriage, but I really don't want to be afraid of bumping into them. The thought of wondering if every chat post, every blip, everything that comes across chat, every new guildmate might be *them* is really tainting this experience for me.

I haven't been in contact with them for months, and have no urge to contact them, for that matter. But will they recognize my screenname on boards I haven't posted on in months? or will they put together the large Dragon character named Fyreraven as mine?

Worse yet what if idiot also decides to start playing Horizons. Gods, I HATE this anxiety problem I'm dealing with. It needs to GO!

Thanks for listening to me rant.

Well, DH and I did indeed try Horizons and we played for about 4 months. The game has since gone bankrupt. We're currently awaiting the end of the semester for me, and we're going to be playing WoW. The couple I talked about above did not play Horizons, but they are planning on play WoW (World of Warcraft). I could care less if I see them. That's what the Ignore function is for.

The Topic For Today is GAH!

2003-12-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

I've come to the astounding conclusion (tounge in cheek of course) that people on this mountain aren't mentally ill, they're just ill mannered. I had a client today walk up to my desk and drop her pants to half mast to show me her brand new hysterectomy scar. AHHH!!! I mean really, I put cover up on the small burn mark on my forehead gotten when the cat yanked the curling iron cord while I was doing my bangs, and this nut case is showing the office staff of her mental health professional's office her hysterectomy scar. I think I've been "scarred" for life!

GAH!!!!
Heard a raucus out in the waiting room yesterday. Went out to see what was going on. Man was asleep across 2 chairs and the endtable where the magazines are kept. No one else could get a magazine nor could they sit down. Guy is snoring like a bear too. I'm not so sure he wasnt drooling as well.

GAH!!!!

Don't even get me started on the fringe people. We have oriental rugs throughout the office ($35 at your local builder supply house) and we actually have clients who get down on their hands and knees, ass crack in the air for all to see, who meticulously straighten out each and every strand of fringe. I mean, really, if their mothers had said "Get off the damn floor, you're flashing everyone, pull your pants up and quit being so strange" they probably wouldn't need to be here.

GAH!!!!

Then there are the high school seniors who when asked if they are going to college look at me wide eyed and terrified and say "I'm not leaving this mountain ever!" Hello, the nearest Walmart is 25 miles away. How many places on god's green earth actually have a span of 25 miles on each side with no Walmart! RUN FOREST RUN!!! run away from this mountain, go do something with your life!

GAH!!!!

The counselor comes out and says, Oh, now dear (counselor happens to be my father) and says "These people are friends" he didn't take too kindly to my "If this is the best I can do for friends, shoot me right now". I mean, in my mind, friends are people you enjoy sharing a glass of wine with, or someone you could see yourself spending an afternoon with and maybe even look forward to it. Friends are people you call when your period is late for crying out loud.

GAH!!!!

Speaking of which, since when is my reproductive health and my want or not want to have children the local crazy woman's domain to be concerned about. I'm only 30, sure I have a 9 year old. When he graduates from high school I'll be an ancient 39. What the frelling business of hers is it that I'm not pregnant again? Three of my son's last 4 teachers have encouraged me to have another child. HELLO!

GAH!!!!

Have a nice day.