Nashvegas

Met with The Company yesterday and they were very nice.  Far smaller than I thought, but very nice and in a great area.  I fell in love with Nashville.  I think DH did as well because we both are suffering from “smalltown-it is” and are cranky.  Being in Nashvegas with him was great and I want to go back so badly.  I can do the work, and they need me now to convince them of that since Boss/Father is being pissy about things, not that I blame him since his life is in the toilet, but I’m not the one who flushed it.  I sense jealousy from him that there’s a future out there for me, but I can’t live my life for him anymore.  

Best part about this whole move thing is that I can’t wait to have a place for just my family where we can discover and learn about a new city.  Nashville is beautiful, and warm, even the traffic isn’t that bad, you just have to be patient with it. A couple of my other friends are looking for new jobs as well, so send all your “Good Job” vibes our way, and for the one about to pop too!

So much change, I should be terrified, but you know what, I don’t think I am.

More job stuff...

Well now…

I have two interviews tomorrow in Nashvegas and the other job that dropped me is asking me to come up and train with them and do some remote work for them at a very nice price.  I’m a bit stunned.  More than anything, right now I just want to curl up and make the world go away for just a tiny little bit.  I know change is good and all that, and I’ll embrace it, but does it really have to move this quickly? (  The weekend was good up until dad decided that chasing me down was a good idea and that really bugs me when he does that which probably is adding to my stress level.

Obladi oblada

You know, one good thing that came about during all of this mess is that I have come to understand an aspect of my husband I’ve never experienced before in any relationship.  He really is behind me 100%.  I have never heard nor seen him as angry as he was with this company.  I honestly believe that if he could have throttled someone he would have, meanwhile he was caring and gentle with me.  I have to admit the two sides of the coin are incredibly attractive.

Friday we spent time with DS and his birthday which was strained to the max for him.  On Saturday we got up and realized we were all edgy and really didn’t want to be at home so we piled into the car.  Great therapy.  Unclaimed freight was a huge let down so we headed to Chattanooga.  Car runs great, it should since repairing it put a huge bite into the moving fund.  Went to Barnes and Nobel and found two really neat inexpensive books, one in C# and one in PhotoShop for myself and the hubby.  Oh…we went out to breakfast too so that DS could have his favorite pancakes since dinner the night before was so uncomfortable.  We went to the used book store and there staring me in the face was the O’Reilly C# Cookbook for $10 which is a great buy so I’m all stocked up on programming texts, and I admit to buying a romance novel as well.  DS got to spend his birthday money on books and then the left over on a two stage rocket thingamabobber he played with all day on Sunday.  Sunday was more edginess but I did get some homework done.

The Business manager from the company is hounding me for writing, code, and webdesign samples.  DH is encouraging me to send them and I think he’s right.  I could use the feedback and the possibility for part time contract work is hard to pass up.  I doubt I’d ever trust this company to hire me full time but additional work is always a good thing.  

What will be will be.  Nothing else I can do, really.  I just hope that these requests for information are legit and not this guy basically trying to let me down easy, which never works on me anyways.

Too good to be true

Oh well, guess I won’t be going to Nashville shrug. They called to say that they didn’t need me right now, maybe later. Year right…like I’m going to trust them again. I can say all the things one says right now like, These things happen, I don’t need them any way, God doesn’t shut a door without opening a window…blah, blah, blah, but right now it just doesn’t seem to matter. I’m disappointed. Mostly because, well I was looking forward to the time away with DH in a new place and a schance to really get a feeling for how thing worked in the busines. There isn’t much more to say, I guess. I’m sad, and hurt and ashamed even thought I know I had nothing to do with this. But I guess this means I have more time to write code, and now I can sleep in tonight. After celebrating my newly minted 12 year old’s birthday of course. I sent the guy an e-mail apologizing for my attitude, assuring him I held no ill will against him and wished him all the best. What else is there to do, really?

Bonzai!!!!

I’m going for it.  I report at 9:30 Monday morning!  I am soooooooo excited.  I was panic stricken for the past 36 hours, but you know what, I can’t wait!  Come back here often, I’ll keep you up to date on this new adventure!

Meep...

Seems they liked my 3.  They just offered me $18 an hour for 6 weeks, but I’d have to commute 90 miles one way, so basically 200 miles a day to work.  In a car that is less than reliable.

Now what do I do?

A 3?

The job search continues.  Had a good lead, got stumped on a “rank yourself from 0-10” question.  No excuses, I simply had no idea how to answer the question.  The more I thought about this during my walk this morning the more I realized that there was no right answer.  Had I said “I can’t possibly do so with the information given” I would have been too timid.  Had I said “I’m a 3” I would have lacked ambition.  I said “5 or 6” which I comprehended as slightly above average and he blasted me telling me I’d be lucky to be a 3.  At first I was really peeved about this, but you know what.  This 3 would have been one of the better 3s he would have seen come through his office.  I don’t want to work for a company that treats people that way.

I was really depressed about it last night, covers over my head depressed.  I’ve got over it.  Updated my Monster Resume, added something to the over all one and I’m going to work on my portfolio tonight.  I may be down, but I’m sure not out.

It is soooo..

Not all about you.

After sitting here for a good hour listening to someone go on and on and on about something going on in their life and realizing they honestly think it's all about them, I came to a conclusion. It isn't all about anyone. That's a hard thing to understand when you really think about it. Not even the stuff going on in my life is all about me. I'm just a part of the whole big thing. Sure there are moments when I get to say look at me, but really, even my life isn't all about me. We have to work together, live together, love together and lose together.


Be nice to people, you don't get to be a snot and then figure everything is going to be ok. If you are nice then guess what, you don't get to complain when bad things happen to you. Honestly, call it what you want, but what you put out there into the world is in all likelyhood what you're going to get back. Is it so hard to let someone into traffic ahead of you? To acknowledge when you made a poor choice, take the consequences, learn and move on instead of raging at how unfair life is? Geez, get over yourself.


Just be nice. Anything else is asking for trouble and if you ask for it, don't come whining to me about how you just got your butt kicked by life.

Oh...and all the poop that is happening...is YOUR fault, not mine, so don't expect me to stick around to watch you go down. Doesn't matter how old you are, how "Christian" you have acted, and how much information you know about people, or how much you rant and rave. In the end you are still, like all of us, an ugly bag of mostly water.

Life is going to be good for us three and what is going on right now is just buying me time and money so that when the time does come I can just leave and know that I don't ever have to come back.

I'll be a good worker bee..

---the bestest, I promise.

After apologies and what not...not to mention a good hard look at my budget, I'm back at work. Every tiny pay check is that much less that has to come out of the moving fund. To say work is bad is an understatement. It's a sinking ship, and everytime I plug a whole my boss blows a bigger one. I can't save him from himself and he blames everything on me.

I'm applying for jobs in the Chattanooga/Nashville area and I've gotten a number of nudges, even a nibble, but that's it. I've got a 3.9, I'm an adult, I work my tail off and I can't find a job in the 100+ resumes I've handed out. So at the risk of sounding horribly desperate...

Would someone please hire me, please. I'm a hard worker, I'm smart, a quick study, and I'll be loyal to a fault. I feel like the older dog at the end of the hall at the pound watching all the puppies go before me.

On an up note, there's a future out there somewhere and a nummy dinner waiting for me at home. DH loves me, gods only know why, and we'll manage this. Now I just need to survive the next...75 minutes.

I'll miss you, Daddy

The man who inhabits the body of the man I have loved as my father for so many years, is not the dad who used to tie my shoes, taught me to ride a bike, and who would sit and talk to me for hours. I won't go into details, but for reasons all my own, today I severed all ties with him. I cry when the phone rings and see is number then listen to the angry message. I ache when I hear him say how the consequences will be dire if I don't do what he wants me to do. I am a mother. I will mother a hurt rock if I think it would do any good. It is who I am. What I am not is a martyr. He doesn't want me around any more and I don't want to be around him. No one can fault me for trying to be a good daughter and love him, care for him, and in general just be a good person in his life. He doesn't want that, he doesn't want to be thought of or taken care of. He doesn't want me around. He wants his own life.

So, dad, God Bless you, Goddess Bless You, and I wish you the brightest, bestest future you can have. I wish you contentment, and I wish you peace.

I love you, daddy. Good Bye

New Digs

What do you think of the new look? :)

I had a blast doing it. I thought we could use some color around here.

Well now...

Hmm…something is different.  I don’t have a headache.  My stomach isn’t in knots.  Is that a smile.  Woah, what’s that warm fuzzy feeling?

Good googly moogly…by jinkies…I think the gnomeinmyhead and I are happy.  Really contented and happy.  Hopeful for the future.  What a neat feeling!  It’s been so very long.

My parents are divorced and I’m FREE!!! YAY!!! They’ve screwed their lives up so badly that there’s no hope so I’m done coddling them.

DH and I have been talking about what we want our family life to be like and I’m excited.  Not a single bit scared.  Excited out of my mind, truthfully!  Think about it, what’s better than discovering a brand new place with your best bestest friend?  If you answered, not a darn thing, you’d be very right.  And you know what…I get to live the rest of my life with my bestest best friend!  And he’s cute too!  Good gravy, who would have thunk it?!

TEE HEE!

*wonders off to giggle and program because I’m that awake!*

As usual…it’s all Suz’s Fault

     

Four jobs I have had in my life:

• Amusement Park Game Runner


• Pizza Delivery


• Customer Representative for major insurance company


• Office manager

Four movies I would watch over and over again:

• Underworld


• A Walk in the Clouds


• Queen of the Damned


• Seven Years in Tibet

Four places I have lived:

• Bloomsburg, PA


• Chattanooga, TN


• Monteagle, TN

Four TV shows I love to watch:

• Battlestar Galactica


• Stargate SG


• Good Eats


• Anything on The Learning Channel

Four places I have been on vacation:

• Savanna GA


• Providence, RI


• Edmonton Alberta Canada


• San Fransciso, CA

Four websites I visit daily:

• www.myyahoo.com


• www.webct.com (school)


• The Wagon


• http://mtsu.erecruiting.com/er/security/login.jsp (someone please hire me! :D)

Four of my favourite foods:

• Chocolate


• Pizza


• Warm fresh bread with garlic and olive oil


• Mangos

Four places I'd rather be right now

• At home


• At a new job in an new place


• Greece


• Ireland

For every thing there is a season...

I've been thinking about endings and beginnings alot recently. I know that I won't see another mountain winter, or see my father drive into the drive way after work, or spend the afternoon sitting by the pool to go upstairs and grab a cool shower and take a nap, or play cards with mom and dad and jon, watch the lighting crack across the mountain across the way, ever again. My life is full of these moments right now. As the last days of this break before school starts play out, it's hit me how different my life is going to be this time next year, no matter what happens. I'm not depressed about it or anything, but maybe I am a bit wistful, probably because the beginnings seem further away than the endings right now. Change does not come easily to me, but I am learning.

That being said...I just ordered my last batch of books for this degree and while my credit card is probably ecstatic to never have to do that again, I'm happy/sad.

New meaning to the levels of hell

Scientologists
Circle I Limbo

DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Republicans
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Rednecks
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Saddam Hussein
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Suz made me do it...

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Suz made me do it.


What Reject Sith Are You?



Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by

AKOD--Adult Children of Divorce--My Story

This is all brand new since it happened only about a month ago, but I'll try.

The significant people:
Myself, I'm a 32 year old full time employee, student, mom and wife. My mom is 57 and my dad is 59. I have a 23 year old brother who's in college about 50 miles away. My husband and my son who's 11.

Locations:
Home: rural Tennessee on the property of my once family home where my mother now lives
Work: same tiny town, where I run a mental health office for my father.

Yep I live with my mother and work for my father.

School: Online through my "local" university where I' will graduate in May with my IT degree.

On September 6, 2005 we had an audit at work, which always tend to be stressful (we passed with a 98). That night my father called my mother and said that he was going to stay over night at the office. Not an unusual thing, but certainly not the norm. Mom freaked, apparently for good reason, because dad never set foot in the house again. The next day dad filed for divorce. Yep the marriage counselor didn’t want counseling. And that Friday he sent a letter home through me, unknown to me, because he stuffed it into a newspaper, telling my mother he had filed. She went BALISTIC. The entire night was spent on the phone with her various female relatives as well as in the house with her, curled in a ball in tears. The woman never cried over anything of substance, the last time I’d seen her that upset was when she lost her $40,000 diamond pin, which I found and boy was I in good standing with her for weeks. God bless my DH (Dear husband) for coming down and dealing with it with me and fielding the calls from the female family members.

My parent’s marriage was always rocky. I never saw them kiss or snuggle or any of those things. My father always lavished attention on us kids, mom was more distant. In February they would have been married for 35 years.

Dad has since moved in with a 29 year old and is pursuing a relationship in an apartment he fashioned in the back of the building (about 10 feet from my office door) out of two offices. As if that isn’t bad enough this 29 year old is a guy.

That’s right my evangelical, bible beating, judgmental (don’t come home if you get pregnant, I can’t believe you didn’t work harder on your first marriage, now your child is a bastard, you can’t stay at the house if you don’t go to church) hypocritical father has come raging out of the closet. And he’s so damn happy too. This guy is younger than I am.

Dad isn’t fighting fair, mom is spreading rumors. I hold both of them at fault. Dad is mad at me because I’m not thrilled with him about his new boy toy especially not after he was charged with sexual molestation of a boy who is 6 months younger than I am that he adopted. That happened my senior year. All my life I believed he didn’t do it, turns out he did, and the boy enjoyed it. The next day he turned my father in. Another bout of being a member of the walking dead. Last night in a fit of anguish because boy toy won’t drop his life and move up to no where ville, dad informed me there had been other younger males, all over 18 but still too young.

Every day since September 6th it’s been something. Some major explosion or a “could you just bring me….. out when you come to work?”. The stress is taking a massive toll on me and my guys.

The worst part has been feeling like I’m all alone, an orphan, and being told to “get over it” and asked why I’m not happy for everyone. I’m crushed, I cry a lot, and have even had a full blown temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming on the bed. I’m sure there’s a ton more to write about and that I’ve left huge segments out, but I’m not allowed to cry at work, it brings the patients and the boss (my father) down. Besides I have to go make coffee for he and boy toy so they can have their afternoon chat.


P.S. Dad just got his divorce papers and he’s livid (October 6, 2005). She’s charging him with adultery. I have a major homework assignment due tonight and all I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep. They promised they would be together forever…what happened to my family?! All the promises, all the beliefs, the truths I built my life on are lies, all lies. Who am I if my entire start came from a bed full of lies?

Thank goodness I have a 3.89 in college, and a strong semester to date because I’m not gonna make it through the holidays and probably won’t get something turned in on time.

Seven

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. See as many of the 7 Wonders (all sets of them)


2. Live for awhile in NYC


3. See my son grow to be a good man


4. Go for a Cruise with DH


5. Visit Tibet


6. Graduate from College


7. Pet a big cat

7 Things I can do:

1. Make Bobbin Lace


2. Write Code in 4 languages


3. Cook


4. Love my family and create a loving home for them


5. Sing


6. Knit, crochet, cross stitch (I’m a sucker for a nice fiber)


7. Play video games

7 Things I cannot do:

1. Waterski


2. paint


3. make pie crusts


4. say no often enough


5. be less emotional


6. reach the top shelf of anything


7. learn when talking is the wrong choice

7 Things that attract me to another person

1. sense of humor


2. smile


3. intelligence


4. sense of right and wrong


5. truthfulness


6. love for the underdog (or cat)


7. willingness to support their beliefs and to do something about them

7 Celebrity Crushes

1. Stewart Townsen


2. Johnny Depp


3. Sean Connery


4. David Elliot


5. Pierce Brosnon


6. Michael Shanks


7. Ben Browder

7 Things I say the Most

1. Thank you for calling Counseling Associates, this is Wendy and how may I help you?


2. I’ll be here


3. I love you


4. Well, now


5. Oh Good heavens


6. Incoming (universal for duck and cover, both in RL and in game)


7. I’ve got homework to do

7 Bloggers I would tag:

They’ve all tagged

TRADITION!!!

Anyone else hear a large group of Jewish singers? I thought so.

Anyways…what is tradition? It is what holds a group of people or family together. That brings into question what is a family. Let’s start with what a family isn’t. A family does not have to be bound by amino acids, meaning, genetics have very little do with family. I have sisters that I’ve never met, and some that I have, all of which are very very special to me and with whom I communicate far more often than I do my own sibling, mostly because he doesn’t return my calls.

So what is family? Family is love. Pure and simple. The English language has got to be the most lacking language on the planet because of the fact it has so very few iterations of the word Love. But think about…The love between husband and wife, the love between parent and child, the love between children, the love amongst true friends…all the glue that binds a family. If you choose to exit the family…guess what…you chose to leave the love and support of that family behind. This means you don’t get to keep the traditions either.

So guess what…nope, not carving pumpkins with you. Never did like doing that much, what I am doing is what I always wanted to do. I’m going to a Samhain party complete with apple bobbing and bonfire. Why am I doing this? Because I can. Yep put that in your pipe and smoke it, you judgmental snot. I am being true to WHO I am and I’m going to raise my family the way I see fit and your traditions are fake because obviously you have NO idea what traditions and family really are.

Not going to do the usual Thanksgiving either. I’m thinking deep fried turkey, corn bread stuffing and cherry pie. Oh, and guess who isn’t invited. That’s right, boy toy. So sorry, not part of MY family. I’ll bring you a plate, if I’m feeling magnanimous that day. Don’t count on it.

Christmas? I think we’ll do Hanukah and then Yule, heck maybe even Kwanza. What I do know is that peace and light and joy will be celebrated, even if there aren’t so many gifts to share. And only those that understand peace and joy and love will be invited.

I’m doing just fine without you. How would you do without me? Oh and since for some strange reason this blog ended up being all about you…how about we cover this part as well. You’re a liar and an immature brat who thinks only about keeping score. GROW UP. And be good, for one day, just one day. Don’t say anything mean, don’t launch another volley, just BE HAVE. If my brother and I behaved like this you’d send us both to our rooms for crying out loud. You’re 58 and 60, been married for 35 years. One would think that you could maybe just maybe try to be civil. Because this is getting just ridiculous, it really is.

Now there’s a new tradition. From now on Wednesdays are universal don’t fight day. NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!! Who’s in? (I figured I’d give you 36 hours notice so you could get used to the idea). Chants NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!!!

God help me I think it may soon be time for the big guns if ya’ll don’t start behaving.

Me, myself, and I

I have recently been accused of allowing WoW to knock me off track in my blogging. That is not the case, at all.
I am not going to apologize for my lack of bloggage, I’ve never been a constant blogger anyways.

Three different people have mentioned recently that I’ve changed. One does that over a decade. A decade that saw a birth of a child while I wasn’t married. An unfortunate and short marriage, followed by a year living at home, remarriage, and now the end of my parents marriage. I’ve returned to college.

I don’t really remember who I once was, but why don’t I take a minute to tell you who I am now. Being the programmer that I am we’ll do this in an Object Oriented Way. I’ll give you a noun and then the appropriate properties (adjectives). And maybe for giggles a verb or two.

I am a wife. As a wife, I honour my husband. Honour meaning that I seek his counsel on all aspects of my life. Note I said COUNSEL. That does not mean I always act the way he’d like me too, but I do act always with him and our bond in mind.

I am a mother. Wow, now that’s a big word. I strive to do the job that the word mother entails to me. I am trying to raise my son not to be a good child but to be a good man. I hope to give him all the tools he needs so that when he reaches adulthood he will be able to leave me and not need me as anything other than a possible advisor. My job as a mother is to do my job so well that when the time comes, I’m out of a job, no matter how much that moment will break my heart.

Those are the two biggies. I value my family deeply. I am a romantic, but no longer an idealist. I want to build a foundation for my life that will allow me to find a job I enjoy, work hard at it, and stay put. I don’t want work at something then flip it. I want to craft something worthy of my name, my husband’s name that he gave me and I willingly took on the day of our marriage.

I am a friend. Not always a great one, but if you need advice, an ear, or someone to worry about you, I’m there. Don’t expect Christmas cards, because I’ll forget. Don’t expect me to send a birthday present, I’ll probably not have time to go out and get it. But, if late at night the world has beaten you to a pulp, I’m the one to call, because I’ll haul my butt out of bed, and come be with you until you can find peace.

In a lot of ways I guess I’m old fashioned. I believe in warm houses, cooking good food, snuggling close as a family when it’s cold outside. I bake cookies, stitch intricate designs, knit, and am very much a nesting female. I still look for Hallmark moments, but recently, I’ve learned to not expect them.

I’m a gamer. It’s how I met my husband. Playing games together, specifically MMORPG’s is one of the many ways we bond. Us against the world. His timberwolf firing over the head of my Crow. His hunter covering my back as my druid crowd controls and does damage. His cleric to my necromancer. Ying and yang. That’s Hades and I. It’s the way we do things, and now we have a minion. A sidekick. A child who while of my body alone, is a child of our hearts. He’s getting old enough to face the world with us. We’re a team, the three of us until it is time for the minion to go start a team of his own.

My dreams are easy to articulate.

• I want to graduate from MTSU Summa Cum Laude, an honour never gained by any member of my family and I’m well on my way to that one.


• I wish to move to Texas for two years while I pursue my masters degree in Level Design Scripting at Guildhall. (god bless you, dear one, for fanning the coals of that dream back to life and being so willing to put your own dreams on the back burner ‘til I get that one done)


• After graduation I hope to move to a city, either in the US or Canada where we can put our roots down and stay awhile. I want the bright yellow house with the wrap around porch. A place for the kitties to run rampant. Hardwood floors, a room of black leather and gleaming chrome with all the wonderful tools of our trade. Flat panel screens, top of the line equiptment. Maybe enough so that we can work from home occasionally and be together. A kitchen full of warm cherry cabinets, terracotta floors, blue backsplash and a large oak table where we can all come together as a family to talk.


• I want to see my son graduate from college, happy and whole.


• Someday I want to live on the beach with hubby, walk in the surf together.


• I’d like to spend a couple of years in NYC, just because.


• Another baby, a little girl. A daughter for me, someone for DH to spoil, a baby sister for our son so he doesn’t have to face life alone when we’re gone.
• Goddess willing, I will die of old age, having not had to face much of my late life without my beloved at my side. I say this in all honesty. If my mate passes before I do, after my children are of an age to no longer need me, I will follow him into the ribbons of time to join him very quickly after his passing. The very thought of a life without him, makes me forget how to breathe.

And running through out this discussion is the color of submission. That’s a strange thing for me to say, I think, since everyone seems to think of me as feisty. There is no reason why my choice to listen to my husband, to value him, to walk with him, to follow his lead, to call him and ask for his opinion on something before I do it, to allow him to be masculine, to strive to not emasculate him in our day to day lives is somehow contradictory to that concept of being independent. Yes I call him before I make plans to be somewhere. Yes I ask his blessing before I spend OUR money. OUR dreams are always at the front of my mind when I make life choices. I wear our rings as a sign of my choice to not put myself before our bond. I made this choice of my own free will. I distance myself from situations that may undermine our bond. Sometimes that means not pursuing friendships with people that make me uncomfortable and create in me a sense of that being threatened. I am not in my marriage for myself, but instead for us and you know what, not only am I doing all right, I’m freaking thriving in a way I can’t ever possibly have imagined thriving before. I am the ying to his yang. Together we are a whole, better than we ever could be apart. As far as the sexual side to that aspect of my being, that would be telling, and that’s not nice, and he has asked me not to, so I won’t. See how that works? If not, oh well, just don’t pass judgement on something you may not understand.

I guess that’s the best way I can explain myself. Thanks for reading. I needed, after this horrifically horrid, awful week to spend some time reminding myself of the big picture.

Guess there won’t be Christmas dinner at mom and dad’s house anymore, but you know what…they’ll both be more than welcome at my house, and if they can’t play nice, they don’t get any dessert.

I leave you with the visual image of a dwarf walking side by side with his gnome, fingers intertwined at the moment of transisiton when the sky is the dark purple of tranquility. An unlikely pair to be sure. A likely pair none the less.

I love you, dwarfy. I always will.