Women...

I am a woman, I even see myself as a girl sometimes. Really, I am. Under the pudgy figure, make-up-less face, untweezed eyebrows (alright so I just don’t like pain), sometimes shaved legs, I am a female with all the female needs, urges, wants and desires. For example:

I need to take a bubble bath atleast twice a week.
I have an urge to eat chocolate every single day.
I want to have the time to spend hours on my appearance. However, God has not seen fit to make a 29 hour day.
I have the desire to own a matching pair of shoes for every outfit.

What I also have is a gnomeinmyhead who occassionally speaks sense to me. She doesn’t win on the bubble bath argument given that I tend to read my textbooks in the bathtub (and I secretly think she likes them herself). The great chocolate debate goes either way on any given day. The rest of the items and many unlisted ones she tends to win on like…no, Fyre, don’t need 22 pairs of black shoes you won’t wear because they’re uncomfortable and as for doing my waist length hair every day, putting on makeup, doing my nails, and tweezing my eyebrows ( I do tweeze my chin and that’s enough thank you very much, even the gnomeinmyhead agrees on that one) there just isn’t enough time in the day, besides there is a creature I live with known as my son that I want to keep in touch with, my husband likes to see me, oh and that little thing called college that takes alot of my time, not to mention socks to knit, games to play, stitches to cross, and all those other fun things I'd rather be doing.

Where I work we’re all rather down to earth, except for the GreekGod next door who thinks he’s god’s gift to women. He offered to trade my computer services for him to laser my facial hair off, and somehow he thought this was a sensible thing to say to me (Gnome scream: NOT). So the GreekGod has hired two plastic blondes to be aestheticians who are going to do facials, waxes (OUCH!) and other things in his office 5 days a week. He needed something and I took it over to him. Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep due to a cat who got into the garbage can and ate something that didn’t agree with him and spent the night retching…in our bedroom of course. And I’m a fulltime student, granted gnomeinmyhead tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen, while I work full time in the looney bin, you can imagine what I looked like. Those two women looked at me with this demented gleem in their eyes as their fingers clenched and unclenched in glee at the sight of my bushy eyebrows, slightly frizzy hair, and chipped finger nails (I did it opening up the box to the new router we just had shipped in). Luckily, the gnomeinmyhead turned her attention away from the WoW open beta she was playing and slapped my brain back into functioning and I headed for the hills albeit with my perverbial tail between my legs.

Now, what I don’t understand was the overwhelming urge I had to run to the bathroom, braid my hair, dig out my make up and go out and buy a new pair of black shoes that will clack on the floor as happily as theirs do. Luckily the gnomeinmyhead executed the “Get Coffee” routine and I turned my attention happily to the steaming cup of French vanilla (I told you I was a girl) Senseo coffee that was soon in my hands.

I’m happily married, my husband says I’m beautiful, my son even at 10 still likes to be seen out in public with me, people don’t lose their lunch when they see me, and I have a giggle that is infectious, I’m intelligent if my 3.885 GPA in my junior year of college is any indication, and I’m even told I have a sexy phone voice. I know all this, the gnomeinmyhead tells me these things often, why then do I still feel inadequate to those two plastic blondes a meer 15 feet from here? And their clientele who are going to come in my front door in a quest to beat back the signs of aging, gravity, and too many cigarettes while looking down upon those of us who don't even bother to fight back the inevitiable. The gnomeinmyhead and I are going to have to discuss this overwhelming urge I currently have to tweeze my eyebrows and nair my legs tonight instead of spending time writing the rough drafts of the two papers I have due tomorrow.

Let’s hope the gnome wins.