Utilization of Resources…

Let’s face it. In life you only have so many resources. There’s only so much time, so much energy, so much money. The trick to a happy, successful life is the effective, efficient uses of the resources at hand. The sad part is that occasionally life sees fit to suck more resources than you budgeted. The car dies and there goes your much needed weekend away. Someone pops into your life unannounced and sucks so much energy from you that you’re left not being able to deal with day to day life details, and your entire life begins to show wear and tear around the edges.

I can’t help but feel recently that my budgeting of my resources has been way off. School was far more stressful this summer than I thought it would be and I lost precious time with my son. Work has been a bear and I continue to come home far more needy than my husband deserves. Even the latest feline addition to the house has proven to take more time than I thought he would. Then there’s the whole “friend” issue that is just getting more and more bizarre as time goes by.

So what do I do about it? I evaluate my needs, weigh them against the needs of my life and decide what will and will not get priority. So, let’s get some priorities straight and out there on the table, shall we?

First priority, my marriage. Believe it or not, while that appears to be a no brainer it really isn’t, though it should be. My husband is my rock around which my existence revolves. He’s my spouse, my best friend, my confidant, my playmate, and the center of my life. I revolve around him. When he gets wonky, I get wonky. I am not complete when he isn’t around. Call it what you might, co-dependant, self destructive, whatever. But until you come to understand him and I, don’t pass judgment while you look on and a side of you wishes that you had what we have. It takes a lot of trust an a great deal of resources to tether your life to someone else’s and betting the farm on the fact they will be there in the end, through sickness and health, and all that jazz. I love my husband but love is not enough. Complete total trust that he will be there when I need him, when I don’t think I do, but do. That he will come when I scream about a bug, or scream against the pain that life can bring with it. So, he gets my first resource investment.

Second priority, our son. See first priority. This family doesn’t work without the foundation of our marriage. I have missed so much of his life through stupid choices as well as through pursuing things to make our life better. I promise you, Spawn, that I will devote time to you over the days to come. There are movies to be watched, dinners to be cooked together, shopping to do, and games to be played. You’re growing into such an amazing young man. Be patient with your mom, she’s trying so very hard.

Third…school. Self explanatory if you read one and two.

Fourth…interpersonal relationships. Oh now there’s the problem. Recently, someone who was to have been a joy to spend time with, and in many ways still is, who was to help alleviate some of the problems with 1, 2 and 3…didn’t. Instead, things went from slightly, intriguingly complicated straight to…oh my GOD complicated. I don’t know, maybe I can’t deal with anything beyond the first 3. Between Crazy Church Lady who calls and screws up my evening plans because I have to let her dog out, CB and CC taking up way more time than they should, a trip to Nashville that I am oh so very much looking forward to, honest, ladies I am…but even good things are complicated, you know? There’s a father who’s finally discovering that maybe things aren’t the way he wants them in his life (this adds to work stress) who needs my attention, my love, and my understanding right now. My brother who just broke up a relationship of 4 years who wants my support and a mother who’s difficult at the best of times and lets just say that right now this is NOT the best of times.

So…how by all that is holy do I make this all work?!

Insight would be delightful, because, I have to admit, I don’t have any deep philosophical statements to make right now about this all. I’m tired and I miss the quiet times with my husband, yet the world continues to conspire against those times.

For right now, I have 10 pages of invoicing I haven’t managed to get done yet, a picnic table to find for DF for his Boy Toy’s birthday this evening, money to track, banks to call, a post for a BB to write up, credit charges to dispute (DF’s), and a million other things that ever so discretely nibble away at my dwindling resource pile.