I have recently been accused of allowing WoW to knock me off track in my blogging. That is not the case, at all.
I am not going to apologize for my lack of bloggage, I’ve never been a constant blogger anyways.
Three different people have mentioned recently that I’ve changed. One does that over a decade. A decade that saw a birth of a child while I wasn’t married. An unfortunate and short marriage, followed by a year living at home, remarriage, and now the end of my parents marriage. I’ve returned to college.
I don’t really remember who I once was, but why don’t I take a minute to tell you who I am now. Being the programmer that I am we’ll do this in an Object Oriented Way. I’ll give you a noun and then the appropriate properties (adjectives). And maybe for giggles a verb or two.
I am a wife. As a wife, I honour my husband. Honour meaning that I seek his counsel on all aspects of my life. Note I said COUNSEL. That does not mean I always act the way he’d like me too, but I do act always with him and our bond in mind.
I am a mother. Wow, now that’s a big word. I strive to do the job that the word mother entails to me. I am trying to raise my son not to be a good child but to be a good man. I hope to give him all the tools he needs so that when he reaches adulthood he will be able to leave me and not need me as anything other than a possible advisor. My job as a mother is to do my job so well that when the time comes, I’m out of a job, no matter how much that moment will break my heart.
Those are the two biggies. I value my family deeply. I am a romantic, but no longer an idealist. I want to build a foundation for my life that will allow me to find a job I enjoy, work hard at it, and stay put. I don’t want work at something then flip it. I want to craft something worthy of my name, my husband’s name that he gave me and I willingly took on the day of our marriage.
I am a friend. Not always a great one, but if you need advice, an ear, or someone to worry about you, I’m there. Don’t expect Christmas cards, because I’ll forget. Don’t expect me to send a birthday present, I’ll probably not have time to go out and get it. But, if late at night the world has beaten you to a pulp, I’m the one to call, because I’ll haul my butt out of bed, and come be with you until you can find peace.
In a lot of ways I guess I’m old fashioned. I believe in warm houses, cooking good food, snuggling close as a family when it’s cold outside. I bake cookies, stitch intricate designs, knit, and am very much a nesting female. I still look for Hallmark moments, but recently, I’ve learned to not expect them.
I’m a gamer. It’s how I met my husband. Playing games together, specifically MMORPG’s is one of the many ways we bond. Us against the world. His timberwolf firing over the head of my Crow. His hunter covering my back as my druid crowd controls and does damage. His cleric to my necromancer. Ying and yang. That’s Hades and I. It’s the way we do things, and now we have a minion. A sidekick. A child who while of my body alone, is a child of our hearts. He’s getting old enough to face the world with us. We’re a team, the three of us until it is time for the minion to go start a team of his own.
My dreams are easy to articulate.
- I want to graduate from MTSU Summa Cum Laude, an honour never gained by any member of my family and I’m well on my way to that one.
- I wish to move to Texas for two years while I pursue my masters degree in Level Design Scripting at Guildhall. (god bless you, dear one, for fanning the coals of that dream back to life and being so willing to put your own dreams on the back burner ‘til I get that one done)
- After graduation I hope to move to a city, either in the US or Canada where we can put our roots down and stay awhile. I want the bright yellow house with the wrap around porch. A place for the kitties to run rampant. Hardwood floors, a room of black leather and gleaming chrome with all the wonderful tools of our trade. Flat panel screens, top of the line equiptment. Maybe enough so that we can work from home occasionally and be together. A kitchen full of warm cherry cabinets, terracotta floors, blue backsplash and a large oak table where we can all come together as a family to talk.
- I want to see my son graduate from college, happy and whole.
- Someday I want to live on the beach with hubby, walk in the surf together.
- I’d like to spend a couple of years in NYC, just because.
- Another baby, a little girl. A daughter for me, someone for DH to spoil, a baby sister for our son so he doesn’t have to face life alone when we’re gone.
- Goddess willing, I will die of old age, having not had to face much of my late life without my beloved at my side. I say this in all honesty. If my mate passes before I do, after my children are of an age to no longer need me, I will follow him into the ribbons of time to join him very quickly after his passing. The very thought of a life without him, makes me forget how to breathe.
And running through out this discussion is the color of submission. That’s a strange thing for me to say, I think, since everyone seems to think of me as feisty. There is no reason why my choice to listen to my husband, to value him, to walk with him, to follow his lead, to call him and ask for his opinion on something before I do it, to allow him to be masculine, to strive to not emasculate him in our day to day lives is somehow contradictory to that concept of being independent. Yes I call him before I make plans to be somewhere. Yes I ask his blessing before I spend OUR money. OUR dreams are always at the front of my mind when I make life choices. I wear our rings as a sign of my choice to not put myself before our bond. I made this choice of my own free will. I distance myself from situations that may undermine our bond. Sometimes that means not pursuing friendships with people that make me uncomfortable and create in me a sense of that being threatened. I am not in my marriage for myself, but instead for us and you know what, not only am I doing all right, I’m freaking thriving in a way I can’t ever possibly have imagined thriving before. I am the ying to his yang. Together we are a whole, better than we ever could be apart. As far as the sexual side to that aspect of my being, that would be telling, and that’s not nice, and he has asked me not to, so I won’t. See how that works? If not, oh well, just don’t pass judgement on something you may not understand.
I guess that’s the best way I can explain myself. Thanks for reading. I needed, after this horrifically horrid, awful week to spend some time reminding myself of the big picture.
Guess there won’t be Christmas dinner at mom and dad’s house anymore, but you know what…they’ll both be more than welcome at my house, and if they can’t play nice, they don’t get any dessert.
I leave you with the visual image of a dwarf walking side by side with his gnome, fingers intertwined at the moment of transisiton when the sky is the dark purple of tranquility. An unlikely pair to be sure. A likely pair none the less.
I love you, dwarfy. I always will.
