Anger...

Is everywhere. It’s in my office where anger raged over the weekend resulting in broken glass and a shattered sense of safety. It’s in my own blog where I took my anger out on someone who in hindsight really didn’t deserve it. It’s in the faces of parents who just want their kids to get out of the car and go to school. It’s in the news reports about the war in Iraq.

When did the world become so angry? Where wonton destruction of personal propertybecome ok? You did this for no good reason other than being doped up on to much something and angry because you didn’t get the free money you did NOT work for, you do NOT deserve, and why should my hard earned taxes be paid to your lazy ass because you’re nuts? Get a job, quit drinking, quit smoking crack, quit passing judgment on other people for what it is you’re doing yourself and go be productive! Fascinating thought, isn’t it? Oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you take some time to say you’re sorry and maybe make it easier for me to sit in this desk chair and office still covered in glass and to look my son in the eye tonight when I try to assure him that he’s safe, I’m safe and that really people aren’t all bad. You made that a hard truth to sell, you know. Thank you for taking away his innocence. You had best hope you and I do not meet, and don’t even think I won’t tell my husband who you are. Am I angry? Yep. Should I be? Probably. Will I remain that way? Not on your life. You will NOT be given that much power.

As to the person who so recently was the receiver of my first good temper tantrum in a very very long time, I am truly sorry. I see now that things that I believed were true where not, and that in short, what preconceived ideas I had simply weren’t reality. Please accept this public apology for behaving in a most uncharacteristic manner.

As for the war…don’t get me started, please.

The parents at my son’s school who were flipping each other off and what not because no one wanted to play nice…don’t come whining to me when my kid outscores your kid, ad uses really big words, and therefore your kid doesn’t like my kid and they get into a scuffle, ok? You have proven to be immature idiots who are breeding more immature idiots. Do me a favor, quit having children.

There’s enough anger in this world. No more from my side. Now if you will excuse me I need to go pull a piece of glass out of the paw of our therapy dog who never hurt anyone. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Oh wow...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hee!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

This is just...oh nevermind :)

Is it love or is it sex?

This is a question that in one form or another has continued to bounce around in my brain for weeks. I figured the gnomeinmyhead was about tired of ducking the subject and that maybe it was time to write about it.

What makes up human relationships? When is sex just sex? What makes friendship different than your primary relationship? Is sex needed for love and vice versa? You see, I’ve never been one for casual intimate contact (interesting oxymoron that statement was). Once I found my mate, I even felt uncomfortable going to a male doctor. Odd isn’t it?

Do I intend on answering any of these questions? Probably not, mostly because I don’t believe there are any tried and true answers across the board. But what I do want to explore is the dynamic of intimacy in my primary relationship. I have the delight and the challenge of having married a man who is my best friend. The delightful part is that I know that my best friend will always be only a few feet away and won’t ever move across the country. He’s a permanent fixture in my life till one of us passes to the next level where I firmly believe we’ll find one another again (now there’s another blog entry if I ever read one). The challenge? The challenge comes when things may not be working so very well between us for whatever reason, heaven knows there isn’t a relationship that doesn’t occasionally hit a rocky place after all. But it’s not like I can talk to my best friend about my best friend.

Now here’s where the quandary comes for me. I’ve seen couples who fight like there’s no tomorrow, have absolutely nothing in common what so ever stay together because the sex is incredible. I find myself wondering what would happen with these people should one of them not be able to ahem…perform so to speak. And how incredible can the sex actually be if 1) you have to tell everyone how incredible it is and 2) there’s no intimacy in the relationship outside of sex. Britney Spears gushing about sex comes to mind here.

I know deeply committed lesbian couples who are intimate, loving, caring couples. I’ve known of hetero relationships with the same degree of comradery, delight in the other partner, and love. Obviously, physical relations differ. Can you have a solid primary relationship without feeling the need to constantly use sex as the primary bonding agent? I have to answer that in the very sound affirmative. I live in one everyday. We snuggle, we cuddle, we bond over the craziest things and we can’t for one second imagine being with anyone else.

I look around and wonder if occasionally sex is mistaken for love. Great sex is not love. Honest. I think that’s something we learn as we mature. Remember that first kiss? The first time for you? How you were just sure that you would never ever feel the same again. And how now from the perspective of a more mature outlook you realize it was mostly about hormones?

A long, durable, well forged, bonded relationship takes constant vigilant maintenance. Part of that maintenance is sexual, sure, but by far in my opinion the thing that brings two people together for the long haul is actually the intimacy forged through home court advantage (See December 2004 for an explanation of that one).

Have a blessed day.

As promised...

What I did last night...

We went to Piggly Wiggly and to my amazement my pocket rang :). Stasha with my cell phone number can occasionally be more than a person can stand!

Got home, I made my much sought after Chicken Teriyaki stir fry. Hubby made me promise that I'd make lasagna on Saturday which sounds delightful since we have to go school shopping and will be close to the ingredients anyways. I’m thinking pepperoni bread would be good too with a like salad.

During all of this we're loading WoW into our machines and patching. OI Vey what a patch! 190mgs!

Chatted with Kari for a few and then DH washed my hair for me, talk about heaven and what an intensely intimate act. We giggled for a good 15 minutes.

Phone rang...told you Stasha with my cell phone number is deadly, only this time she got DH. I don't think I've heard him laugh that much on the phone in a very long time. Thank you, dear heart, for making him smile.

We got to reading blogs and what not and he very cutely looks at me and says...Please promise me that if I ever make WhizGidget mad that you'll give me enough warning to run. I have no doubt you'll be very safe in Nashville!.

Silly male.

We played WoW, ate amazingly good chocolate ice cream sandwiches resulting in more giggling over the sighs and moans those things illicited.

As a true Fyre/Haedes experience I got his dwarven butt smushed while out hunting. See some things never change!

Then we went to bed. Anything more about that would be telling :)

So that was my evening. How was yours?

WoW

Yay!!! Hubby and I have decided to return to the wonderful World of Warcraft! Gamers...look for us on Cenarion Circle(Roleplay server). YAY!!! He's patching the machines as we speak. I'll be running it on the laptop until the desktop upgrade comes in.

Oh...we're on the Alliance side btw.

Who needs sleep :)

Laughter

If you read the most recent posting of my husband's blog (look right, yeah that link) you'll understand one of the many reasons I married him.

The man makes me laugh until I can't see straight just about every single day. Not a half bad reason to be happily married to him, I think.

Utilization of Resources…

Let’s face it. In life you only have so many resources. There’s only so much time, so much energy, so much money. The trick to a happy, successful life is the effective, efficient uses of the resources at hand. The sad part is that occasionally life sees fit to suck more resources than you budgeted. The car dies and there goes your much needed weekend away. Someone pops into your life unannounced and sucks so much energy from you that you’re left not being able to deal with day to day life details, and your entire life begins to show wear and tear around the edges.

I can’t help but feel recently that my budgeting of my resources has been way off. School was far more stressful this summer than I thought it would be and I lost precious time with my son. Work has been a bear and I continue to come home far more needy than my husband deserves. Even the latest feline addition to the house has proven to take more time than I thought he would. Then there’s the whole “friend” issue that is just getting more and more bizarre as time goes by.

So what do I do about it? I evaluate my needs, weigh them against the needs of my life and decide what will and will not get priority. So, let’s get some priorities straight and out there on the table, shall we?

First priority, my marriage. Believe it or not, while that appears to be a no brainer it really isn’t, though it should be. My husband is my rock around which my existence revolves. He’s my spouse, my best friend, my confidant, my playmate, and the center of my life. I revolve around him. When he gets wonky, I get wonky. I am not complete when he isn’t around. Call it what you might, co-dependant, self destructive, whatever. But until you come to understand him and I, don’t pass judgment while you look on and a side of you wishes that you had what we have. It takes a lot of trust an a great deal of resources to tether your life to someone else’s and betting the farm on the fact they will be there in the end, through sickness and health, and all that jazz. I love my husband but love is not enough. Complete total trust that he will be there when I need him, when I don’t think I do, but do. That he will come when I scream about a bug, or scream against the pain that life can bring with it. So, he gets my first resource investment.

Second priority, our son. See first priority. This family doesn’t work without the foundation of our marriage. I have missed so much of his life through stupid choices as well as through pursuing things to make our life better. I promise you, Spawn, that I will devote time to you over the days to come. There are movies to be watched, dinners to be cooked together, shopping to do, and games to be played. You’re growing into such an amazing young man. Be patient with your mom, she’s trying so very hard.

Third…school. Self explanatory if you read one and two.

Fourth…interpersonal relationships. Oh now there’s the problem. Recently, someone who was to have been a joy to spend time with, and in many ways still is, who was to help alleviate some of the problems with 1, 2 and 3…didn’t. Instead, things went from slightly, intriguingly complicated straight to…oh my GOD complicated. I don’t know, maybe I can’t deal with anything beyond the first 3. Between Crazy Church Lady who calls and screws up my evening plans because I have to let her dog out, CB and CC taking up way more time than they should, a trip to Nashville that I am oh so very much looking forward to, honest, ladies I am…but even good things are complicated, you know? There’s a father who’s finally discovering that maybe things aren’t the way he wants them in his life (this adds to work stress) who needs my attention, my love, and my understanding right now. My brother who just broke up a relationship of 4 years who wants my support and a mother who’s difficult at the best of times and lets just say that right now this is NOT the best of times.

So…how by all that is holy do I make this all work?!

Insight would be delightful, because, I have to admit, I don’t have any deep philosophical statements to make right now about this all. I’m tired and I miss the quiet times with my husband, yet the world continues to conspire against those times.

For right now, I have 10 pages of invoicing I haven’t managed to get done yet, a picnic table to find for DF for his Boy Toy’s birthday this evening, money to track, banks to call, a post for a BB to write up, credit charges to dispute (DF’s), and a million other things that ever so discretely nibble away at my dwindling resource pile.

*sigh*

I've been told I'm over reacting. To shut up, and to apologize.

I'll do the first two. I'll wait on the second.

No more cat fights, no more raging anger. While I apparently am not better than this, I'd like to think I could be.

Fyre is done burning, but I think I'll smolder for awhile instead.

Morass

::something that traps, confuses, or impedes ie. a morass of troubles

What a neat word, and one that is oh so fitting today.

I feel trapped. Trapped into dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. Honestly, all I wanted was to enjoy the company of someone I like, someone I really think hubby and I could have enjoyed getting to know. But, because of the way things were handled all around, and because of the characteristics of this guy (who we will call CB) and his wife (hmmm, let’s call her…CC) this just isn’t going to happen. However, now I’m trapped with having to ever so gently pull myself out of this rife with problematic aspects situation. Let’s just say that gently is not where I want to go right now. I’d much rather take a serious clue-by-four to her head and beat her brainless until she sees what she has instead of what/who she doesn’t have.

Hubby says I’m above pettiness. I so wish he was right, but right now, pettiness is the least of the vengeful behaviors I want to rain down on her stupid head.

Confused…oh heck yeah. And as soon as I figure out exactly what I’m confused about I’ll let you know.

Impedes…the Queen of Hearts has laid down the law and now I have to be good. Bitch.


Oh and if you’re reading this, you had best watch whose intentions about their husband you doubt and post to the internet. You have NO idea what it’s like to be in a good marriage, a sound marriage, a marriage of equals. I will allow you to have done that once because in the end I pity you. Do it again, and you will have more on your plate than you ever dreamed of having to deal with. I love my husband, you have no idea what that means, obviously. Do not ever again libel something you have no earthly idea about.

By the way, if any of these words are too difficult for you to understand, you might want to try www.dictionary.com

You have unleashed in me a side that I have kept closely in check for many years, and I so hate you for it. Truth is, I've wasted enough time on this entire thing. I'm better than this, than you, and I have every intention of wiping the residue of this experience off the bottom of my shoe and going on with my life.

Paradigm

A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.

Until recently I did not understand what it meant when your have a paradigm shift. I understand now. My reality is no longer what it once was and that has reverberated throughout my life and changed my self concept and the reality of my future. Someone who has been present in my life since birth recently made a statement that has left me questioning, seeking, and my entire thought process has been shifted. Not changed, but…shifted.

I still love them, I don’t understand, and in some ways I’m hurt. Bright One bless my husband for standing beside me as the waves of my reality roil around me trying to eat away at my foundations. My rock stands beside me, supporting me, loving me, and helping me build a new foundation.

While I may not understand your choices, I will accept them, and I will make them part of who I am, even as I struggle to make them fit into who I believe you are.

As for the rest of what is going on in my life and those players who flit about on the stage of my reality...you're going to have to be patient, I'll come full circle eventually, until then, I will talk with you, be with you, but any more energy than that will have to be directed at more inner thoughts and needs. There is much that is cracking within me. Trust that when I re-emerge it will be with a stronger core, sunk deep into the foundation of my existance as an adult, as a woman, as a lover, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend. Until then, I will give you what I can, please do not ask for more.

What Fyre warms and brings life to, Fyre can also consume and destroy. Be careful, or you will be burned. You have been warned. Do not rant, rave or whine when it happens. And it will happen if you push me.