Suz made me do it...

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Suz made me do it.


What Reject Sith Are You?



Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by

AKOD--Adult Children of Divorce--My Story

This is all brand new since it happened only about a month ago, but I'll try.

The significant people:
Myself, I'm a 32 year old full time employee, student, mom and wife. My mom is 57 and my dad is 59. I have a 23 year old brother who's in college about 50 miles away. My husband and my son who's 11.

Locations:
Home: rural Tennessee on the property of my once family home where my mother now lives
Work: same tiny town, where I run a mental health office for my father.

Yep I live with my mother and work for my father.

School: Online through my "local" university where I' will graduate in May with my IT degree.

On September 6, 2005 we had an audit at work, which always tend to be stressful (we passed with a 98). That night my father called my mother and said that he was going to stay over night at the office. Not an unusual thing, but certainly not the norm. Mom freaked, apparently for good reason, because dad never set foot in the house again. The next day dad filed for divorce. Yep the marriage counselor didn’t want counseling. And that Friday he sent a letter home through me, unknown to me, because he stuffed it into a newspaper, telling my mother he had filed. She went BALISTIC. The entire night was spent on the phone with her various female relatives as well as in the house with her, curled in a ball in tears. The woman never cried over anything of substance, the last time I’d seen her that upset was when she lost her $40,000 diamond pin, which I found and boy was I in good standing with her for weeks. God bless my DH (Dear husband) for coming down and dealing with it with me and fielding the calls from the female family members.

My parent’s marriage was always rocky. I never saw them kiss or snuggle or any of those things. My father always lavished attention on us kids, mom was more distant. In February they would have been married for 35 years.

Dad has since moved in with a 29 year old and is pursuing a relationship in an apartment he fashioned in the back of the building (about 10 feet from my office door) out of two offices. As if that isn’t bad enough this 29 year old is a guy.

That’s right my evangelical, bible beating, judgmental (don’t come home if you get pregnant, I can’t believe you didn’t work harder on your first marriage, now your child is a bastard, you can’t stay at the house if you don’t go to church) hypocritical father has come raging out of the closet. And he’s so damn happy too. This guy is younger than I am.

Dad isn’t fighting fair, mom is spreading rumors. I hold both of them at fault. Dad is mad at me because I’m not thrilled with him about his new boy toy especially not after he was charged with sexual molestation of a boy who is 6 months younger than I am that he adopted. That happened my senior year. All my life I believed he didn’t do it, turns out he did, and the boy enjoyed it. The next day he turned my father in. Another bout of being a member of the walking dead. Last night in a fit of anguish because boy toy won’t drop his life and move up to no where ville, dad informed me there had been other younger males, all over 18 but still too young.

Every day since September 6th it’s been something. Some major explosion or a “could you just bring me….. out when you come to work?”. The stress is taking a massive toll on me and my guys.

The worst part has been feeling like I’m all alone, an orphan, and being told to “get over it” and asked why I’m not happy for everyone. I’m crushed, I cry a lot, and have even had a full blown temper tantrum complete with kicking and screaming on the bed. I’m sure there’s a ton more to write about and that I’ve left huge segments out, but I’m not allowed to cry at work, it brings the patients and the boss (my father) down. Besides I have to go make coffee for he and boy toy so they can have their afternoon chat.


P.S. Dad just got his divorce papers and he’s livid (October 6, 2005). She’s charging him with adultery. I have a major homework assignment due tonight and all I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep. They promised they would be together forever…what happened to my family?! All the promises, all the beliefs, the truths I built my life on are lies, all lies. Who am I if my entire start came from a bed full of lies?

Thank goodness I have a 3.89 in college, and a strong semester to date because I’m not gonna make it through the holidays and probably won’t get something turned in on time.

Seven

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. See as many of the 7 Wonders (all sets of them)


2. Live for awhile in NYC


3. See my son grow to be a good man


4. Go for a Cruise with DH


5. Visit Tibet


6. Graduate from College


7. Pet a big cat

7 Things I can do:

1. Make Bobbin Lace


2. Write Code in 4 languages


3. Cook


4. Love my family and create a loving home for them


5. Sing


6. Knit, crochet, cross stitch (I’m a sucker for a nice fiber)


7. Play video games

7 Things I cannot do:

1. Waterski


2. paint


3. make pie crusts


4. say no often enough


5. be less emotional


6. reach the top shelf of anything


7. learn when talking is the wrong choice

7 Things that attract me to another person

1. sense of humor


2. smile


3. intelligence


4. sense of right and wrong


5. truthfulness


6. love for the underdog (or cat)


7. willingness to support their beliefs and to do something about them

7 Celebrity Crushes

1. Stewart Townsen


2. Johnny Depp


3. Sean Connery


4. David Elliot


5. Pierce Brosnon


6. Michael Shanks


7. Ben Browder

7 Things I say the Most

1. Thank you for calling Counseling Associates, this is Wendy and how may I help you?


2. I’ll be here


3. I love you


4. Well, now


5. Oh Good heavens


6. Incoming (universal for duck and cover, both in RL and in game)


7. I’ve got homework to do

7 Bloggers I would tag:

They’ve all tagged

TRADITION!!!

Anyone else hear a large group of Jewish singers? I thought so.

Anyways…what is tradition? It is what holds a group of people or family together. That brings into question what is a family. Let’s start with what a family isn’t. A family does not have to be bound by amino acids, meaning, genetics have very little do with family. I have sisters that I’ve never met, and some that I have, all of which are very very special to me and with whom I communicate far more often than I do my own sibling, mostly because he doesn’t return my calls.

So what is family? Family is love. Pure and simple. The English language has got to be the most lacking language on the planet because of the fact it has so very few iterations of the word Love. But think about…The love between husband and wife, the love between parent and child, the love between children, the love amongst true friends…all the glue that binds a family. If you choose to exit the family…guess what…you chose to leave the love and support of that family behind. This means you don’t get to keep the traditions either.

So guess what…nope, not carving pumpkins with you. Never did like doing that much, what I am doing is what I always wanted to do. I’m going to a Samhain party complete with apple bobbing and bonfire. Why am I doing this? Because I can. Yep put that in your pipe and smoke it, you judgmental snot. I am being true to WHO I am and I’m going to raise my family the way I see fit and your traditions are fake because obviously you have NO idea what traditions and family really are.

Not going to do the usual Thanksgiving either. I’m thinking deep fried turkey, corn bread stuffing and cherry pie. Oh, and guess who isn’t invited. That’s right, boy toy. So sorry, not part of MY family. I’ll bring you a plate, if I’m feeling magnanimous that day. Don’t count on it.

Christmas? I think we’ll do Hanukah and then Yule, heck maybe even Kwanza. What I do know is that peace and light and joy will be celebrated, even if there aren’t so many gifts to share. And only those that understand peace and joy and love will be invited.

I’m doing just fine without you. How would you do without me? Oh and since for some strange reason this blog ended up being all about you…how about we cover this part as well. You’re a liar and an immature brat who thinks only about keeping score. GROW UP. And be good, for one day, just one day. Don’t say anything mean, don’t launch another volley, just BE HAVE. If my brother and I behaved like this you’d send us both to our rooms for crying out loud. You’re 58 and 60, been married for 35 years. One would think that you could maybe just maybe try to be civil. Because this is getting just ridiculous, it really is.

Now there’s a new tradition. From now on Wednesdays are universal don’t fight day. NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!! Who’s in? (I figured I’d give you 36 hours notice so you could get used to the idea). Chants NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING ON WEDNESDAYS!!!!

God help me I think it may soon be time for the big guns if ya’ll don’t start behaving.

Me, myself, and I

I have recently been accused of allowing WoW to knock me off track in my blogging. That is not the case, at all.
I am not going to apologize for my lack of bloggage, I’ve never been a constant blogger anyways.

Three different people have mentioned recently that I’ve changed. One does that over a decade. A decade that saw a birth of a child while I wasn’t married. An unfortunate and short marriage, followed by a year living at home, remarriage, and now the end of my parents marriage. I’ve returned to college.

I don’t really remember who I once was, but why don’t I take a minute to tell you who I am now. Being the programmer that I am we’ll do this in an Object Oriented Way. I’ll give you a noun and then the appropriate properties (adjectives). And maybe for giggles a verb or two.

I am a wife. As a wife, I honour my husband. Honour meaning that I seek his counsel on all aspects of my life. Note I said COUNSEL. That does not mean I always act the way he’d like me too, but I do act always with him and our bond in mind.

I am a mother. Wow, now that’s a big word. I strive to do the job that the word mother entails to me. I am trying to raise my son not to be a good child but to be a good man. I hope to give him all the tools he needs so that when he reaches adulthood he will be able to leave me and not need me as anything other than a possible advisor. My job as a mother is to do my job so well that when the time comes, I’m out of a job, no matter how much that moment will break my heart.

Those are the two biggies. I value my family deeply. I am a romantic, but no longer an idealist. I want to build a foundation for my life that will allow me to find a job I enjoy, work hard at it, and stay put. I don’t want work at something then flip it. I want to craft something worthy of my name, my husband’s name that he gave me and I willingly took on the day of our marriage.

I am a friend. Not always a great one, but if you need advice, an ear, or someone to worry about you, I’m there. Don’t expect Christmas cards, because I’ll forget. Don’t expect me to send a birthday present, I’ll probably not have time to go out and get it. But, if late at night the world has beaten you to a pulp, I’m the one to call, because I’ll haul my butt out of bed, and come be with you until you can find peace.

In a lot of ways I guess I’m old fashioned. I believe in warm houses, cooking good food, snuggling close as a family when it’s cold outside. I bake cookies, stitch intricate designs, knit, and am very much a nesting female. I still look for Hallmark moments, but recently, I’ve learned to not expect them.

I’m a gamer. It’s how I met my husband. Playing games together, specifically MMORPG’s is one of the many ways we bond. Us against the world. His timberwolf firing over the head of my Crow. His hunter covering my back as my druid crowd controls and does damage. His cleric to my necromancer. Ying and yang. That’s Hades and I. It’s the way we do things, and now we have a minion. A sidekick. A child who while of my body alone, is a child of our hearts. He’s getting old enough to face the world with us. We’re a team, the three of us until it is time for the minion to go start a team of his own.

My dreams are easy to articulate.

• I want to graduate from MTSU Summa Cum Laude, an honour never gained by any member of my family and I’m well on my way to that one.


• I wish to move to Texas for two years while I pursue my masters degree in Level Design Scripting at Guildhall. (god bless you, dear one, for fanning the coals of that dream back to life and being so willing to put your own dreams on the back burner ‘til I get that one done)


• After graduation I hope to move to a city, either in the US or Canada where we can put our roots down and stay awhile. I want the bright yellow house with the wrap around porch. A place for the kitties to run rampant. Hardwood floors, a room of black leather and gleaming chrome with all the wonderful tools of our trade. Flat panel screens, top of the line equiptment. Maybe enough so that we can work from home occasionally and be together. A kitchen full of warm cherry cabinets, terracotta floors, blue backsplash and a large oak table where we can all come together as a family to talk.


• I want to see my son graduate from college, happy and whole.


• Someday I want to live on the beach with hubby, walk in the surf together.


• I’d like to spend a couple of years in NYC, just because.


• Another baby, a little girl. A daughter for me, someone for DH to spoil, a baby sister for our son so he doesn’t have to face life alone when we’re gone.
• Goddess willing, I will die of old age, having not had to face much of my late life without my beloved at my side. I say this in all honesty. If my mate passes before I do, after my children are of an age to no longer need me, I will follow him into the ribbons of time to join him very quickly after his passing. The very thought of a life without him, makes me forget how to breathe.

And running through out this discussion is the color of submission. That’s a strange thing for me to say, I think, since everyone seems to think of me as feisty. There is no reason why my choice to listen to my husband, to value him, to walk with him, to follow his lead, to call him and ask for his opinion on something before I do it, to allow him to be masculine, to strive to not emasculate him in our day to day lives is somehow contradictory to that concept of being independent. Yes I call him before I make plans to be somewhere. Yes I ask his blessing before I spend OUR money. OUR dreams are always at the front of my mind when I make life choices. I wear our rings as a sign of my choice to not put myself before our bond. I made this choice of my own free will. I distance myself from situations that may undermine our bond. Sometimes that means not pursuing friendships with people that make me uncomfortable and create in me a sense of that being threatened. I am not in my marriage for myself, but instead for us and you know what, not only am I doing all right, I’m freaking thriving in a way I can’t ever possibly have imagined thriving before. I am the ying to his yang. Together we are a whole, better than we ever could be apart. As far as the sexual side to that aspect of my being, that would be telling, and that’s not nice, and he has asked me not to, so I won’t. See how that works? If not, oh well, just don’t pass judgement on something you may not understand.

I guess that’s the best way I can explain myself. Thanks for reading. I needed, after this horrifically horrid, awful week to spend some time reminding myself of the big picture.

Guess there won’t be Christmas dinner at mom and dad’s house anymore, but you know what…they’ll both be more than welcome at my house, and if they can’t play nice, they don’t get any dessert.

I leave you with the visual image of a dwarf walking side by side with his gnome, fingers intertwined at the moment of transisiton when the sky is the dark purple of tranquility. An unlikely pair to be sure. A likely pair none the less.

I love you, dwarfy. I always will.

O_O

Text deleted because my blog could be used in their divorce proceedings, apparently.

Where I've been...

For those of you who don't know, and for those that care. My parents are currently in process of getting a divorce. This makes things a bit crazy since I now work for dad and I live on the property with my mother. I'll get my sea legs soon once everyone stops rocking the freaking boat.

DH and I are doing fine, he's being incredible.

Thegnomeinmyhead has left and didn't leave a forwarding address. Rumor has it that there's a lonely dwarf who's gone looking for her. I have faith that if anyone can bring her back, he can.

Anger...

Is everywhere. It’s in my office where anger raged over the weekend resulting in broken glass and a shattered sense of safety. It’s in my own blog where I took my anger out on someone who in hindsight really didn’t deserve it. It’s in the faces of parents who just want their kids to get out of the car and go to school. It’s in the news reports about the war in Iraq.

When did the world become so angry? Where wonton destruction of personal propertybecome ok? You did this for no good reason other than being doped up on to much something and angry because you didn’t get the free money you did NOT work for, you do NOT deserve, and why should my hard earned taxes be paid to your lazy ass because you’re nuts? Get a job, quit drinking, quit smoking crack, quit passing judgment on other people for what it is you’re doing yourself and go be productive! Fascinating thought, isn’t it? Oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you take some time to say you’re sorry and maybe make it easier for me to sit in this desk chair and office still covered in glass and to look my son in the eye tonight when I try to assure him that he’s safe, I’m safe and that really people aren’t all bad. You made that a hard truth to sell, you know. Thank you for taking away his innocence. You had best hope you and I do not meet, and don’t even think I won’t tell my husband who you are. Am I angry? Yep. Should I be? Probably. Will I remain that way? Not on your life. You will NOT be given that much power.

As to the person who so recently was the receiver of my first good temper tantrum in a very very long time, I am truly sorry. I see now that things that I believed were true where not, and that in short, what preconceived ideas I had simply weren’t reality. Please accept this public apology for behaving in a most uncharacteristic manner.

As for the war…don’t get me started, please.

The parents at my son’s school who were flipping each other off and what not because no one wanted to play nice…don’t come whining to me when my kid outscores your kid, ad uses really big words, and therefore your kid doesn’t like my kid and they get into a scuffle, ok? You have proven to be immature idiots who are breeding more immature idiots. Do me a favor, quit having children.

There’s enough anger in this world. No more from my side. Now if you will excuse me I need to go pull a piece of glass out of the paw of our therapy dog who never hurt anyone. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Oh wow...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hee!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

This is just...oh nevermind :)

Is it love or is it sex?

This is a question that in one form or another has continued to bounce around in my brain for weeks. I figured the gnomeinmyhead was about tired of ducking the subject and that maybe it was time to write about it.

What makes up human relationships? When is sex just sex? What makes friendship different than your primary relationship? Is sex needed for love and vice versa? You see, I’ve never been one for casual intimate contact (interesting oxymoron that statement was). Once I found my mate, I even felt uncomfortable going to a male doctor. Odd isn’t it?

Do I intend on answering any of these questions? Probably not, mostly because I don’t believe there are any tried and true answers across the board. But what I do want to explore is the dynamic of intimacy in my primary relationship. I have the delight and the challenge of having married a man who is my best friend. The delightful part is that I know that my best friend will always be only a few feet away and won’t ever move across the country. He’s a permanent fixture in my life till one of us passes to the next level where I firmly believe we’ll find one another again (now there’s another blog entry if I ever read one). The challenge? The challenge comes when things may not be working so very well between us for whatever reason, heaven knows there isn’t a relationship that doesn’t occasionally hit a rocky place after all. But it’s not like I can talk to my best friend about my best friend.

Now here’s where the quandary comes for me. I’ve seen couples who fight like there’s no tomorrow, have absolutely nothing in common what so ever stay together because the sex is incredible. I find myself wondering what would happen with these people should one of them not be able to ahem…perform so to speak. And how incredible can the sex actually be if 1) you have to tell everyone how incredible it is and 2) there’s no intimacy in the relationship outside of sex. Britney Spears gushing about sex comes to mind here.

I know deeply committed lesbian couples who are intimate, loving, caring couples. I’ve known of hetero relationships with the same degree of comradery, delight in the other partner, and love. Obviously, physical relations differ. Can you have a solid primary relationship without feeling the need to constantly use sex as the primary bonding agent? I have to answer that in the very sound affirmative. I live in one everyday. We snuggle, we cuddle, we bond over the craziest things and we can’t for one second imagine being with anyone else.

I look around and wonder if occasionally sex is mistaken for love. Great sex is not love. Honest. I think that’s something we learn as we mature. Remember that first kiss? The first time for you? How you were just sure that you would never ever feel the same again. And how now from the perspective of a more mature outlook you realize it was mostly about hormones?

A long, durable, well forged, bonded relationship takes constant vigilant maintenance. Part of that maintenance is sexual, sure, but by far in my opinion the thing that brings two people together for the long haul is actually the intimacy forged through home court advantage (See December 2004 for an explanation of that one).

Have a blessed day.

As promised...

What I did last night...

We went to Piggly Wiggly and to my amazement my pocket rang :). Stasha with my cell phone number can occasionally be more than a person can stand!

Got home, I made my much sought after Chicken Teriyaki stir fry. Hubby made me promise that I'd make lasagna on Saturday which sounds delightful since we have to go school shopping and will be close to the ingredients anyways. I’m thinking pepperoni bread would be good too with a like salad.

During all of this we're loading WoW into our machines and patching. OI Vey what a patch! 190mgs!

Chatted with Kari for a few and then DH washed my hair for me, talk about heaven and what an intensely intimate act. We giggled for a good 15 minutes.

Phone rang...told you Stasha with my cell phone number is deadly, only this time she got DH. I don't think I've heard him laugh that much on the phone in a very long time. Thank you, dear heart, for making him smile.

We got to reading blogs and what not and he very cutely looks at me and says...Please promise me that if I ever make WhizGidget mad that you'll give me enough warning to run. I have no doubt you'll be very safe in Nashville!.

Silly male.

We played WoW, ate amazingly good chocolate ice cream sandwiches resulting in more giggling over the sighs and moans those things illicited.

As a true Fyre/Haedes experience I got his dwarven butt smushed while out hunting. See some things never change!

Then we went to bed. Anything more about that would be telling :)

So that was my evening. How was yours?

WoW

Yay!!! Hubby and I have decided to return to the wonderful World of Warcraft! Gamers...look for us on Cenarion Circle(Roleplay server). YAY!!! He's patching the machines as we speak. I'll be running it on the laptop until the desktop upgrade comes in.

Oh...we're on the Alliance side btw.

Who needs sleep :)

Laughter

If you read the most recent posting of my husband's blog (look right, yeah that link) you'll understand one of the many reasons I married him.

The man makes me laugh until I can't see straight just about every single day. Not a half bad reason to be happily married to him, I think.

Utilization of Resources…

Let’s face it. In life you only have so many resources. There’s only so much time, so much energy, so much money. The trick to a happy, successful life is the effective, efficient uses of the resources at hand. The sad part is that occasionally life sees fit to suck more resources than you budgeted. The car dies and there goes your much needed weekend away. Someone pops into your life unannounced and sucks so much energy from you that you’re left not being able to deal with day to day life details, and your entire life begins to show wear and tear around the edges.

I can’t help but feel recently that my budgeting of my resources has been way off. School was far more stressful this summer than I thought it would be and I lost precious time with my son. Work has been a bear and I continue to come home far more needy than my husband deserves. Even the latest feline addition to the house has proven to take more time than I thought he would. Then there’s the whole “friend” issue that is just getting more and more bizarre as time goes by.

So what do I do about it? I evaluate my needs, weigh them against the needs of my life and decide what will and will not get priority. So, let’s get some priorities straight and out there on the table, shall we?

First priority, my marriage. Believe it or not, while that appears to be a no brainer it really isn’t, though it should be. My husband is my rock around which my existence revolves. He’s my spouse, my best friend, my confidant, my playmate, and the center of my life. I revolve around him. When he gets wonky, I get wonky. I am not complete when he isn’t around. Call it what you might, co-dependant, self destructive, whatever. But until you come to understand him and I, don’t pass judgment while you look on and a side of you wishes that you had what we have. It takes a lot of trust an a great deal of resources to tether your life to someone else’s and betting the farm on the fact they will be there in the end, through sickness and health, and all that jazz. I love my husband but love is not enough. Complete total trust that he will be there when I need him, when I don’t think I do, but do. That he will come when I scream about a bug, or scream against the pain that life can bring with it. So, he gets my first resource investment.

Second priority, our son. See first priority. This family doesn’t work without the foundation of our marriage. I have missed so much of his life through stupid choices as well as through pursuing things to make our life better. I promise you, Spawn, that I will devote time to you over the days to come. There are movies to be watched, dinners to be cooked together, shopping to do, and games to be played. You’re growing into such an amazing young man. Be patient with your mom, she’s trying so very hard.

Third…school. Self explanatory if you read one and two.

Fourth…interpersonal relationships. Oh now there’s the problem. Recently, someone who was to have been a joy to spend time with, and in many ways still is, who was to help alleviate some of the problems with 1, 2 and 3…didn’t. Instead, things went from slightly, intriguingly complicated straight to…oh my GOD complicated. I don’t know, maybe I can’t deal with anything beyond the first 3. Between Crazy Church Lady who calls and screws up my evening plans because I have to let her dog out, CB and CC taking up way more time than they should, a trip to Nashville that I am oh so very much looking forward to, honest, ladies I am…but even good things are complicated, you know? There’s a father who’s finally discovering that maybe things aren’t the way he wants them in his life (this adds to work stress) who needs my attention, my love, and my understanding right now. My brother who just broke up a relationship of 4 years who wants my support and a mother who’s difficult at the best of times and lets just say that right now this is NOT the best of times.

So…how by all that is holy do I make this all work?!

Insight would be delightful, because, I have to admit, I don’t have any deep philosophical statements to make right now about this all. I’m tired and I miss the quiet times with my husband, yet the world continues to conspire against those times.

For right now, I have 10 pages of invoicing I haven’t managed to get done yet, a picnic table to find for DF for his Boy Toy’s birthday this evening, money to track, banks to call, a post for a BB to write up, credit charges to dispute (DF’s), and a million other things that ever so discretely nibble away at my dwindling resource pile.

*sigh*

I've been told I'm over reacting. To shut up, and to apologize.

I'll do the first two. I'll wait on the second.

No more cat fights, no more raging anger. While I apparently am not better than this, I'd like to think I could be.

Fyre is done burning, but I think I'll smolder for awhile instead.

Morass

::something that traps, confuses, or impedes ie. a morass of troubles

What a neat word, and one that is oh so fitting today.

I feel trapped. Trapped into dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. Honestly, all I wanted was to enjoy the company of someone I like, someone I really think hubby and I could have enjoyed getting to know. But, because of the way things were handled all around, and because of the characteristics of this guy (who we will call CB) and his wife (hmmm, let’s call her…CC) this just isn’t going to happen. However, now I’m trapped with having to ever so gently pull myself out of this rife with problematic aspects situation. Let’s just say that gently is not where I want to go right now. I’d much rather take a serious clue-by-four to her head and beat her brainless until she sees what she has instead of what/who she doesn’t have.

Hubby says I’m above pettiness. I so wish he was right, but right now, pettiness is the least of the vengeful behaviors I want to rain down on her stupid head.

Confused…oh heck yeah. And as soon as I figure out exactly what I’m confused about I’ll let you know.

Impedes…the Queen of Hearts has laid down the law and now I have to be good. Bitch.


Oh and if you’re reading this, you had best watch whose intentions about their husband you doubt and post to the internet. You have NO idea what it’s like to be in a good marriage, a sound marriage, a marriage of equals. I will allow you to have done that once because in the end I pity you. Do it again, and you will have more on your plate than you ever dreamed of having to deal with. I love my husband, you have no idea what that means, obviously. Do not ever again libel something you have no earthly idea about.

By the way, if any of these words are too difficult for you to understand, you might want to try www.dictionary.com

You have unleashed in me a side that I have kept closely in check for many years, and I so hate you for it. Truth is, I've wasted enough time on this entire thing. I'm better than this, than you, and I have every intention of wiping the residue of this experience off the bottom of my shoe and going on with my life.

Paradigm

A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.

Until recently I did not understand what it meant when your have a paradigm shift. I understand now. My reality is no longer what it once was and that has reverberated throughout my life and changed my self concept and the reality of my future. Someone who has been present in my life since birth recently made a statement that has left me questioning, seeking, and my entire thought process has been shifted. Not changed, but…shifted.

I still love them, I don’t understand, and in some ways I’m hurt. Bright One bless my husband for standing beside me as the waves of my reality roil around me trying to eat away at my foundations. My rock stands beside me, supporting me, loving me, and helping me build a new foundation.

While I may not understand your choices, I will accept them, and I will make them part of who I am, even as I struggle to make them fit into who I believe you are.

As for the rest of what is going on in my life and those players who flit about on the stage of my reality...you're going to have to be patient, I'll come full circle eventually, until then, I will talk with you, be with you, but any more energy than that will have to be directed at more inner thoughts and needs. There is much that is cracking within me. Trust that when I re-emerge it will be with a stronger core, sunk deep into the foundation of my existance as an adult, as a woman, as a lover, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend. Until then, I will give you what I can, please do not ask for more.

What Fyre warms and brings life to, Fyre can also consume and destroy. Be careful, or you will be burned. You have been warned. Do not rant, rave or whine when it happens. And it will happen if you push me.

Tagged!

The Informative One has tagged me so here it goes....

So, if I’ve got it right, I have to pick five things from the following list, and then complete the sentence, and then go on and tag another 3 people. Okay, then....

If I could be a scientist . . .
If I could be a farmer . . .
If I could be a musician . . .
If I could be a doctor . . .
If I could be a painter . . .
If I could be a gardener . . .
If I could be a missionary . . .
If I could be a chef . . .
If I could be an architect . . .
If I could be a linguist . . .
If I could be a psychologist . . .
If I could be a librarian . . .
If I could be an athlete . . .
If I could be a lawyer . . .
If I could be an inn-keeper . . .
If I could be a professor . . .
If I could be a writer . . .
If I could be a llama-rider . . .
If I could be a bonnie pirate . . .
If I could be an astronaut . . .
If I could be a world famous blogger . . .
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world . . .
If I could be married to any current famous political figure…


If I could be a chef I would open a school where I could teach people how to cook in their own kitchens and how to not be afraid of all of the "stuff" in there.

If I could be an inn-keeper I would have a B&B in the Pacific northwest completely wired where people could come and work on the fleet of laptops I'd have, or their own, or groups could come to meet, be taken care of and create amazing software applications that would change the way the world works.

If I could be a scientist it would be in melding technology into the lives of everyone in order to give them a higher quality of existance (if that's what they wanted).

If I could be a professor I would teach in a way to inspire ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the fields of robotics and voice recoginition in order to spur people into creating things that would help people who have been hurt or are born with defects.

If I could be a doctor I would be studying gene therapy and nanotechnology.

Now who to tag....

Well the first one would be my bestest friend in the whole wide world...You're IT, sweetie

Second...a girlfriend of the finest caliber...Juli, my dear, consider yourself tagged...You're IT

Thirdly...another member of the bra *giggles* squad...Margaret, you've been tagged! Yep and you too!

Enjoy!

Friday Forum

Decided this was a good way to get back into blogging...

1. What haven't you done yet in your life that you'd really like to do someday? Why? Will you do any of these things in the near future? Are you making progress toward them?

Work on a homegrown video game with a group of really fine people that goes gold and being able to pay them what they are worth. The reasoning behind this is that there is amazing talent out there that simply doesn't get utilized because they aren't the norm, aren't working in the industry, or don't have the capital to give up their day job. Yeah, I think I am making progress towards that goal and luckily anything I do to get there will help me in less "pie in the sky" dreams.

2. If you could completely start your life over from scratch, what would you do differently the second time around? Why?

I would have had more faith in myself to make decisions that were good for me and not listened to my parents and other people and done what they wanted.

3. What do you think you'll be like when you're 70, 80, 90, possibly even 100 years old? Were do you think you'll be living and what activites do you think you'll enjoy?

70: I hope to still be working in the computer business, savy and in touch with things and a serious giggle to my son and maybe even my grand children. Happily married to my husband.

80: retired and playing with all the new gadgets. Probably well wired complete with implants and what not. Hopefully happily married to my husband.

90: travelling the world, and maybe even going to Mars. Visiting all the holy places on this Earth.

100: Still linked in, but slower, calmer, waiting for when I can rejoin my husband. Watching my progeny grow and go forth into the world.




4. What agres do you think have been the best so far? Why? What do you think of your current age...are you enjoying it? Are you looking forward to your next birthday?

The best is yet to come, because they have to be better than what I've had so far. 32 isn't bad, some days I feel way older and other days I feel way younger. Enjoyment is not on the menu right now. Yes I'm looking forward to my next birthday it means that I'm a few months from graduation and getting out of here.

5. What do you feel is most important in your life?

Family and friends. The love of a good man which I finally have and to be a good mother for my son, something that has been a challenge.

So that my friends is the recent Friday Forum and my current foray into getting back to blogging.

A moment of quiet thought...

I opened up one of my favorite discussion boards and saw where they've given Pope John Paul an annointing for the sick, which is Last Rites from what I've heard. No, I'm not Catholic, but I grew up in a Catholic school. I believe that Pope John Paul is a truly amazing man and the world will be a poorer place when he passes, but Heaven will be all the richer. My prayers go up for you Pope. I hope your passing is peaceful and that you are with God soon. Say hello to Mother Teresa for me, ok?

Fyre